Ashes to Ashes, series three, episode three.
Writer: Julie Rutterford
Director: Alrick Riley

xxxx

CID, and GENE is addressing the troops. The whiteboard's made a real comeback this series, hasn't it?

GENE:
Two arson attacks last week. One of Maggie Thatcher's trusty councillors and the Green Hill Army Barracks. And tomorrow is Election Day. Now my guess is whoever's starting these fires is waiting to put on an even bigger show when the world and his wife will be watching.

JIM KEATS enters CID.

RAY:
Oh, here you go.

JIM KEATS:
Hmm?

A desk carries a tray with one of those cheese and pineapple hedgehogs, some plastic cups and small bottles of beer. It's party time.

RAY:
Never let it be said that we don't care.

JIM KEATS:
What?

ALEX:
It's just their way of saying, "So long, farewell, auf Wiedersehen, adieu." I know. It's like Goodbye Mr Chips.

CHRIS:
Care for something cheesy, sir?

CHRIS offers JIM KEATS the hedgehog.

JIM KEATS:
Sorry to be a party-pooper, but Countryman's going to keep me here a wee bit longer. (To CHRIS) A-a-ah.

He snaffles the cherry from the middle of the cheesy hedgehog. He truly is a bastard, isn't he?

JIM KEATS:
D&C want me to clean house on the last three years of cases. Build up a profile of the long-term efficiency of this department.

GENE:
Oh, be a man, Jim. Let's just call it snooping, eh?

JIM KEATS:
Well if you want to know, the Home Office has asked Special Branch to take care of this arson case.

GENE:
Over my rotting corpse.

JIM KEATS:
My words exactly. I told them that this department led by Gene Hunt is capable of dealing with it. I told them you wouldn't, couldn't let us down. Gene.

On which note, JIM KEATS concedes the floor back to GENE.

GENE:
Right, these attacks could be IRA.

ALEX:
Trust me, they weren't.

JIM KEATS:
You know something we don't?

ALEX:
No, I just know that I'm right.

GENE:
To be fair, Jim, this is her on a good day. Right. I want every anarchist, commie, Trotskyist, pinko, leftie, greasy bastard student rounded up and brought in here tonight.

ALEX:
Are you sure you haven't left anybody out?

CHRIS:
Vanessa Redgrave.

GENE:
Good point, Chris. Drag her in an' all.

SHAZ:
Guv, we've got another one! Polling station.



A burning building. Smoke, flames, firemen, hoses, general rushing about and confusion in the dark. The Quattro roars up and our heroes decant.

GENE:
Anyone still inside, Chief?

FIRE CHIEF:
Don't think so. A passerby said she saw someone lingering round the back.

RAY:
Hey, that could be our fire starter.

As they move closer to the building, they find that JIM KEATS is already there. What does he drive? The Batmobile?

GENE:
Right, Drake, Raymondo. You take that side. Me and Chris will go in there.

JIM KEATS:
Risky, Gene.

ALEX:
He's right, Guv. Just let the Chief handle it.

GENE:
His job is to put out fires. My job is to catch scum.

JIM KEATS, meanwhile, whispers a subtle word into RAY's ear.

JIM KEATS:
Don't feel you have to prove yourself to the Guv because of the mistakes you made in the past, Ray.

RAY:
Let's do it, Guv.

GENE:
Good man. Christopher?

CHRIS:
Right behind you, Guv.

ALEX:
You are certifiable.

GENE:
Thank you. I've always wanted a certificate for something.

GENE and CHRIS have headed off in one direction, and ALEX and RAY are at the entrance to the building. There's a scream from within.

RAY:
Did you hear that?

ALEX:
What?

RAY:
Shit! Someone's trapped. Maybe there's a way in from the inside.

ALEX:
Ray, don't you even think about it. It's too dangerous!

RAY hesitates, then plunges into the smoke.

ALEX:
Ray! Ray?! RAY! Help me, someone, he's gone in!



Opening titles

ALEX voiceover:
My name is Alex Drake. I was shot and found myself in 1983. Is it real? Or in my mind? Either way, I have to solve the mystery of what all this means and fight to get home. Because time is running out.



GENE:
Bolly! Where's Ray?

ALEX:
He went in.

JIM KEATS:
This was your call, Hunt.

A fireman, ANDY SMITH, suddenly runs forward and into the building.

FIRE CHIEF:
Smith! SMITH!

Everyone waits anxiously, until ANDY SMITH comes out with the trapped woman over his shoulder, followed by RAY, coughing and gasping. RAY collapses to the ground. ALEX and CHRIS go to help him.

ALEX:
Ray!

CHRIS:
Ray! Ray!

ALEX:
Ray!

CHRIS:
Ray, it's me, mate, are you OK? Shall I give him mouth to mouth?

Wheezing for breath, RAY manages to raise two fingers to that idea.

CHRIS:
That's a no then.



The fire is out and ALEX and GENE are looking at some graffiti on the smoke blackened wall. It reads "Maggie Thatcher - Milk Snatcher" and has a smiley face at the bottom.

GENE:
Caretaker said this wasn't here when he did his rounds at six. Anarchists.

ALEX:
Left a tag. Like Banksy.

GENE:
I hope you're not suggesting goalkeeping legend Gordon Banks goes around vandalising property.

ALEX:
No, most graffiti artists, they have a tag. Artists. Not anarchists.

CHRIS has arrived.

GENE:
Any news?

CHRIS:
The woman in the fire was a cleaner getting the place ready for voting tomorrow.

ALEX:
So the building was the target, not the person.

CHRIS:
She's going be OK. Bit crispy, but OK. Ray, they're saying it's smoke inhalation.

ALEX:
Ray'll be fine. He's been inhaling smoke since he was about nine.

GENE:
Chris, they're going to need a picture of the wall.

CHRIS:
Guv.

JIM KEATS:
That Tory councillor caught up in the fire last Thursday? My boss reckons Maggie's got high hopes for him.

GENE:
One of my officers nearly died in there, but hey, I've got high hopes for him, an' all.

JIM KEATS:
Yeah, but the point is, everyone's taking a gander at this one, Gene. Yeah?

ALEX:
The bigger picture's your bag, sir. We're just trying to find an arsonist.

GENE:
If you shove your nose any further up Newman's arse, it'll end up browner than bloody Gandhi in a heatwave.

JIM KEATS:
Hey hey hey hey. Both of you, don't shoot the messenger. Or anyone else for that matter.

He leaves and the FIRE CHIEF turns up.

FIRE CHIEF:
We've located the seat of the fire. The distribution board blew out. It was rigged.

ALEX:
No petrol bombs then?

FIRE CHIEF:
No, much more complex.

GENE:
Same device that was used in the other fires?

FIRE CHIEF:
It's too early to tell.

The FIRE CHIEF departs, and our heroes heave a sigh.

ALEX:
A political arsonist. And tomorrow's Election Day.

GENE:
Yeah, and soon enough, we'll all be feeling the heat. Now let's see if Viv has rounded up any anarchists for us.



MUSIC: 'Anarchy In The UK' by The Sex Pistols

The station reception area, and it's heaving with the requested suspects.

VIV:
Excuse me. We're running out of space, Guv, and it's starting to whiff like a youth hostel in here.

ALEX:
This is completely pointless. We're dealing with a professional, not the cast of Hair.

GENE:
Bollocks. They've all got form.

CHRIS:
Skip, have you confiscated their lighters?

VIV rolls his eyes and extracts one Pink Lighter of Anarchy from his pocket and lobs it to CHRIS.

VIV:
Happy?

CHRIS:
Can't be too careful.

VIV points out a respectable-looking grey-haired lady sitting on one of the chairs.

VIV:
She doesn't look very Anarchy In The UK.

CHRIS:
She was arrested once on Greenham Common. She's got a mural of Wedgie Benn. Knitted.

VIV has one of those facial expresions people habitually wear when CHRIS says that sort of thing, and goes away to get on with his job.



CID, and it's another moment to address the troops.

GENE:
Right! Listen up, you lot! DI Drake, here, is going to give us a psychiatric insight...

ALEX:
Psychological.

GENE:
...into the mind of an arsonist.

ALEX:
The motive in most cases of arson, no matter how sophisticated, is usually a cry for help.

CHRIS:
Why can't the bastard just cry for help then, instead of trying to kill people?

ALEX:
Because he's unable to articulate underlying anger into words.

SHAZ:
How do we know it's a he?

ALEX:
Most of those convicted of arson are male. There may be evidence of occupational maladjustment, sexual, marital problems, alcoholism.

GENE:
Well that could apply to half the country. Come to think of it, you could apply it to most of the people in here! If it was political, then why remain anonymous? I mean, Election Day's a perfect soap-box for your cause. Right, I suggest we de-camp to Luigi's. I could do with a drink. Anyway, he needs the company.

SHAZ:
Ma'am. Manchester's been on. D'you want anything else sending down on the Sam Tyler case?

ALEX looks anxiously towards GENE. RAY, meanwhile, returns to CID.

ALEX:
Er, no, I'm fine. Thanks, Shaz.

CHRIS:
Good to have you back, mate. You can give me that fiver you owe me.

ALEX:
You shouldn't be here, Ray.

RAY:
It's only smoke inhalation.

GENE:
Good man, Ray.

GENE gives RAY a brisk pat on the shoulder. And joy of joys, JIM KEATS is back again.

RAY:
Oh, that fireman, Andy Smith. I'm gonna buy him a bevvy later. Saved my bacon.

JIM KEATS:
Get a round on me, Ray.

JIM KEATS hands RAY a tenner. Flash git.

JIM KEATS:
Gene? A word?

They leave CID. ALEX checks the envelope of Sam Tyler's belongings in her drawer, locks it and goes over to SHAZ's desk with the key. SHAZ is doodling stars on a notepad.

ALEX:
Shaz, um, d'you mind looking after this for me, please?

SHAZ:
Sure.

ALEX:
Thanks. Stars.

SHAZ:
Yeah.

ALEX:
Why stars?

SHAZ:
Well, yesterday. Daytime. Oh, it's silly, but I looked out of my window and it went dark and there were stars.

ALEX:
And then when you looked back, they'd gone.

SHAZ:
Yeah. How did you...?

The telephone rings, interupting them, and SHAZ answers.

SHAZ:
CID.



Keats' office, and it seems to have been stocked with a selection of bicycles, somewhat to his annoyance.

JIM KEATS:
Is there any reason why am I sharing my office with the bloody Tour de France?!

GENE:
Can't be helped, James. Cuts in resources. We're having to use other rooms to interview anarchists.

JIM KEATS:
It's all right, I know it's a game for you. Mano et mano. That's Latin.

GENE:
Oh, you smarmio tosspotio. That's Latin, an' all.

JIM KEATS:
You see these files, here? These are cases dating back to 1980. This is your past, Gene. And it will determine your future. All your grubby little secrets and malpractices waiting to be uncovered. I'm gonna unearth you, Hunt. Expose you to the air.

GENE:
Good! Well, you knock yourself out. In both senses of the word.

JIM KEATS:
Ray nearly died tonight trying to impress you. Poor bloke feels like he has something to prove.

GENE:
Well we all have to prove ourselves, Jim. Every day.

GENE goes to leave. JIM KEATS rings one of the bicycle bells. It's a jolly little sound.

JIM KEATS:
Ask not for whom the bell tolls.

GENE pauses, glares, then leaves, JIM KEATS ringing the bell as he goes.



Luigi's, and the poor man is trying to placate unhappy customers who've lost their reserved table to CID. The election coverage is playing on the television.

LUIGI:
It is not my fault. They're policemen, I'm sorry.

ANDY SMITH arrives with STEVE SMITH and RAY hurries over to welcome him.

RAY:
Here he is. Local hero. Hello, mate.

There's a smattering of applause from the coppers.

RAY:
This is his brother, Steve.

STEVE SMITH:
Hello, mate.

RAY:
Take a seat I'll bring some beers over.

ALEX and SHAZ are both indulging in some firefighter appreciation.

SHAZ:
He's nice.

RAY returns to the bar.

RAY:
Two beers for the hero. (to CHRIS) Hey, mind you don't start any fires.

CHRIS is trying to light a ciggie withe the Pink Lighter of Anarchy. It won't work.

RAY:
Where'd you get that poof magnet from?

CHRIS:
Oh, I took it off an anarchist.

SHAZ:
I prefer the one on the right, ma'am.

ALEX laughs. CHRIS gives up on the lighter.

CHRIS:
Huh. Bloody thing.

GENE:
What is it with women and firemen? It's pathetic. You'll be wanting to slide down his pole next.

ALEX:
Such a cliche.

SHAZ:
It's pathetic.

GENE:
Oh, come on. All women enjoy a crafty little kit-kat shuffle when they think about firemen.

GENE leaves the bar.

SHAZ:
Would you slide down his pole, ma'am?

ALEX:
Like a shot. Would you?

SHAZ:
I'm spoken for.

CHRIS:
Anyone we know?

SHAZ:
No. His name's Julian. He's an interior designer.

RAY gives the universal hand gesture for "wanker" and talks to CHRIS confidentially.

RAY:
You want to forget about Shaz, mate, I've got just the girl for you. A mate of mine gave it to me. Big Wendy.

RAY gets out a photograph.

CHRIS:
Is that a...?

RAY:
Oh, yeah, an orange. And she says she can fit a melon up there as well.

The phone rings and all police eyes turn. LUIGI answers.

LUIGI:
Hello.

GENE:
Well?

LUIGI:
It's, er, a booking for tomorrow night, Signor Hunt. That's all. (to the caller) Yes, eight o' clock.



Time has moved on and everyone's gathered at the bar.

ALEX:
Have you ever come across such organised arson attacks before, Andy?

ANDY SMITH:
Not really, no.

GENE:
Well, it's obviously somebody with a political grudge.

ALEX:
Or a malcontent...

ANDY SMITH:
I just- I just put 'em out. Heh.

RAY:
Luigi, get this man another drink. He's a bloody hero.

LUIGI:
He's a bloody hero? I'm the bloody hero. It's nearly midnight.

SHAZ skims a Conservative election leaflet across the bar to RAY.

SHAZ:
Here you are, it's more your cuppa.

ALEX:
Now THAT is interesting. A misogynist voting for a woman.

RAY:
Maggie's got more balls than all of 'em.

SHAZ:
She talks more balls.

CHRIS:
Fair's fair, Shazzer, she won a war.

RAY
Yeah. I mean who's gonna vote for Worzel Gummidge?

SHAZ:
Labour is the only party that believes in equality and socialist principles. Always has done and always will. They would never have gone into a pointless war like the Falklands.

ALEX:
Actually, Shaz, they... Yeah, er, never mind.

GENE:
Have you two quite finished? I feel like the filling in a feminist sarnie.

In your dreams, Gene...

RAY:
You boys up for a club later? [something] on tap.

ANDY SMITH:
No, I don't think the missus would be too happy. Better be getting back, eh.

STEVE SMITH:
Oh, yeah.

RAY:
You getting a taxi?

ANDY SMITH:
Not on my wages, mate. Bus.

RAY:
Listen, get a taxi on me.

RAY gets out a fiver.

ANDY SMITH:
No, Ray, it's all right.

RAY:
No, I insist, come on.

ANDY SMITH:
Cheers.

RAY:
Any time. Any time.

STEVE SMITH:
Thanks, Ray.

The Smith brothers leave.

CHRIS:
Maybe whoever's starting all these has made their point. Maybe there won't be any more attacks.

GENE:
Right, it's Election Day. There'll be more unless we get there first.



MUSIC: 'Two Tribes' by Frankie Goes To Hollywood

An extended montage of 1983 election and Falklands victory images.

# When two tribes go to war
# A point is all that you can score
# (Score no more, score no more)
# When two tribes go to war
# A point is all that you can score
# (Working for the black gas)
# Cowboy number one
# A born again poor man's son
# (Poor man's son)



CID, and the television is on covering the Election Day. RAY comes over to Alex's desk with a large book - possibly Every Boy's Book of Things That Go Bang - which he puts on her desk open at a particular page.

RAY:
You know these fires? The fuse that they've used and the way that they've set them up to blow the distribution board?

ALEX:
Yeah.

RAY:
That's someone who knows how to set bombs. They could have used a liquid accelerant, something like chlorine. But my money would be on a little device like this. It could have possibly been customised.

ALEX:
So we need a military adviser.

RAY:
I've already spoken to one, a mate of mine. He said that if it's a new Army gadget, they won't tell you anything about it cos it's top secret.

ALEX:
Well done, Ray. That's really good work. Really thorough. Thank you.

RAY:
Well I've had family in the Army so... I'm interested.

ALEX:
Well maybe we could get your family on the phone. You know, we could have them advise us?

RAY:
No! Well, they don't like to talk about it, you know?

ALEX:
OK. Thanks.

RAY departs and CHRIS arrives. At some point JIM KEATS oozes into CID as well.

CHRIS:
Ma'am? The graffiti was being done between the building being locked and the fire being started.

ALEX:
OK.

JIM KEATS:
DC Skelton. Whitechapel Road robbery, April '81. I'm missing a witness statement.

CHRIS:
Well, it was a whopping big blag. There were a lot of statements.

JIM KEATS:
This one's referred to in the court hearings as the most admissible. The one that put them away, no less. Oh, but in the box file, I found a whole pack of Top Trumps Rally, so every cloud, eh?

CHRIS:
Yeah, I was, er, I was looking for those.

JIM KEATS:
Yeah, I need you to help me chase down paperwork. That's you, mate.

GENE:
I think the public would rather see DC Skelton get on with doing his job. Namely that of looking after them.

GENE has emerged from his lair to glower at JIM KEATS some more.

JIM KEATS:
You're going to block Scotland Yard, are you, Gene? Got to keep us losers onside?

ALEX:
Chris, I'm sorry, what were you saying?

CHRIS:
Er, we put the word out on this graffiti tag. Er, youth clubs and stuff, like you said.

ALEX:
And?

CHRIS:
I went through a few of these old charge sheets looking for a cross-reference. (to JIM KEATS) We do use our old records, sir.

JIM KEATS:
Wonderful.

CHRIS:
Barney Wright. Was brought in for vandalism four weeks ago. Signed his statement.

CHRIS hands over the statement. The signatures all have a little smiley face next to it, just like the graffiti tag.

ALEX:
Guv.



Interview room, and BARNEY WRIGHT is being given the third degree.

GENE:
Right. No tea and no fags until you start talking, shitstick.

BARNEY WRIGHT is twelve and evidently knows the system.

BARNEY WRIGHT:
My dad said not to talk to the pigs, they stitch you up.

GENE:
Your dad's not here though, is he? It's just me, DI Drake and my size nine boots.

ALEX:
Guv, these attacks involved complicated wiring. Does he look like the brains behind that?

GENE:
Who knows what these little bastards cook up in double chemistry.

ALEX:
We've seen your handiwork.

ALEX shows a photograph of the graffiti at the polling station fire.

ALEX:
"Maggie Thatcher - Milk Snatcher" Is that one of yours?

BARNEY WRIGHT:
Yeah, well, she is.

ALEX:
I want you to tell me exactly what happened at that polling station last night?

BARNEY WRIGHT:
Oh, I sprayed a wall. That's it. What's your bra size?

ALEX:
Out of your league, that's my bra size. Your paintwork, you usually spray it around a dozen times. Last night, just the once. Why was that?

BARNEY WRIGHT:
I dunno. Ran out of time.

ALEX:
What was the rush?

BARNEY WRIGHT shrugs.

ALEX:
Somebody disturb you? They did, didn't they? Who was it, Barney?

BARNEY WRIGHT:
Do you two have sex with each other?

GENE:
Right.

This utterly proposterous and outrageous suggestion tips GENE over the edge, and he seizes BARNEY WRIGHT by the scruff and propells him out of the interview room. GENE marches BARNEY WRIGHT along the corridor by the ear, ALEX protesting in their wake.

ALEX:
Guv! I promised his parents I'd look...

GENE:
I promised nothing.

BARNEY WRIGHT:
Help me!

ALEX:
He is 12!

GENE:
So? Little Jimmy Osmond was ten and look at the pain and misery he inflicted.

BARNEY WRIGHT:
Help!

ALEX:
Guv, it's abuse. What next? Water-boarding?

GENE:
Oh, it's typical! I go for a confession and you want to teach him to surf!

GENE shoves BARNEY WRIGHT into the care of a uniformed officer at the front desk.

GENE:
Right, take that little scrote down to cell 3.

ALEX:
Oh, the one that still stinks of sick?

GENE:
The very same.

BARNEY WRIGHT:
I'm gonna kick your head in!

GENE:
When you're about 18 and we finally release you, you just might be big enough to have a crack at it. Now mush!

RAY:
Guv! There's been another fire.



A detached house. More smoke, chaos and firemen.

GENE:
Anyone hurt?

FIRE CHIEF:
Local journalist. Nigel Trueman? He's been taken to hospital.

GENE:
Started in the same way, Chief?

FIRE CHIEF:
Looks like. Same long fuse. You've got yourself a serial arsonist.

RAY:
I'm telling you.

ALEX:
Ray thinks it could be someone with military intelligence.

GENE:
Not even ten o'clock and already it's turning into a bloody war-zone out here.



Keats' office, and JIM KEATS is finding his patience tested by CID's record keeping.

JIM KEATS:
Oh, strewth! Take a look at that signature.

CHRIS:
Surprise, surprise. It's Cilla Black.

JIM KEATS:
Unbelievable.

CHRIS:
Yeah. I mean, why would she get involved in a blag? She's wadded. Mind you, she is a Scouser.

JIM KEATS:
Moving on. So... Ray, stepping into the flames. Must've been desperate to impress his Guv. Where does that come from? All that macho stuff.

CHRIS:
I dunno. It's in his blood, I suppose. Family of heroes.

JIM KEATS:
Yeah? I'm intrigued. Firemen as well, were they?

CHRIS:
I know his grandad Alfie had medals, but he doesn't really talk about it.

JIM KEATS:
Medals, you say? Not firemen, then.



GENE and ALEX return to CID and Gene's office, meeting CHRIS on his way out with a box file.

GENE:
What do you think you're doing?

CHRIS:
It's just some stuff Jim asked for.

GENE:
Jim? Jim?!

CHRIS:
I mean DCI Keats.

GENE points wordlessly back to his office.

CHRIS:
I'll put it back.

ALEX:
We need a thorough background check on this journalist, Trueman.

ALEX follows GENE into his office, where he immediately turns on the election coverage, the masochist.

ALEX:
Who's he interviewed recently? Maybe a political group? Maybe a local eccentric who's turned out to be a psychotic arsonist.

GENE:
We could be looking at the twisted bastard right there. Jesus, Drakey, if Keats is looking for fuel to use against me, I've just handed him a bloody petrol station.

ALEX:
Yeah, and the day's not over yet, is it? We've still got a 12-year-old schoolboy in the cells.



RAY is going about his business in the corridor when his attention is arrested by JIM KEATS.

JIM KEATS:
Atten-shun! Heh heh heh. Heard you were an Army man.

RAY:
No, not me.

JIM KEATS:
Army background. Well that's wonderful. But d'you know what? I think you're a clever bloke.

RAY:
Oh, yeah? And how's that?

JIM KEATS:
Because you didn't follow your old man. You wanted to though, didn't you? Because you didn't want to let him down. But you saw it wasn't for you. And d'you know why? Because you're an independent thinker, Ray.

RAY:
Yeah, I can make my own decisions.

JIM KEATS:
Yeah, that's why there's no shame in not following your dad. Cos the Army, oh they'll knock that shit out of you. It's all, "Shut up and follow orders." Bit like your Guv. But you, oh, you're a free mind. DCI Hunt doesn't really like that, does he? When he was out the picture, you made DI.

RAY:
Yeah, I suppose I did.

JIM KEATS:
It's all right, it's not a trick. I'm just saying if ever the police offer you the chance to move on from here and be your own man, don't baulk at it. Gene Hunt is an amazing fella, amazing. But you don't need him. You won't be letting him down.

RAY:
Join you? Is that what you're saying?

JIM KEATS:
Well, it's not like switching from City to United. We're all on the same team.

RAY gives that one some puzzled thought, but it interupted by the arrival of ANDY SMITH.

RAY:
Andy? What you doing here?

ANDY SMITH:
Sorry, mate, but, erm, it didn't feel right, you paying for a taxi last night.

RAY:
Well, you're all right.

ANDY SMITH:
No, I don't rescue people for hand-outs. Please.

RAY reluctantly accepts the returned fiver.

RAY:
All right.

ANDY SMITH:
Cheers.

RAY:
Look after yourself.

ANDY SMITH:
Will do, thanks, see ya.

ANDY SMITH departs, just as BARNEY WRIGHT is being escorted by GENE across the corridor.

BARNEY WRIGHT:
Him! The one in the blue jacket.

GENE:
Him? What about him?

BARNEY WRIGHT:
I saw him! The bloke on his way out. He smashed a window and climbed in. That's why I legged it.

RAY:
What are you talking about, you little toerag?!

GENE:
You better not be playing games with us, sunshine.

BARNEY WRIGHT:
I'm not, I swear!

ALEX:
You know what? If I was looking at spending another day in a cell that smelt of sick, I'd probably say it was the first person I saw too.

BARNEY WRIGHT:
Oh, it's the truth!

RAY:
You're not gonna listen to this little snot, are you?! It was dark!

GENE:
You certain?

BARNEY WRIGHT:
Too right!

RAY:
You can't be serious, Guv?

GENE:
He's made a positive ID, Ray. Right, I want everything we can get on Andy Smith. (to BARNEY WRIGHT) You come with me.

BARNEY WRIGHT:
I know it was him.

GENE hauls BARNEY WRIGHT away, followed by ALEX. RAY heaves a heavy sigh of unhappiness.



CID.

GENE:
North Wessex Fusiliers. Five years. Both Andy and his brother Steve saw action in the Falklands.

RAY:
So, he's a war hero.

ALEX:
Ray, with his military training, it's entirely possible...

RAY:
He saved my life! He puts 'em out, he does not start 'em!

GENE drops a copy of the local paper on the desk with a front page headline of "Local Falklands Hearo Honoured" and a picture of ANDY SMITH.

GENE:
We also found this. It's written by Nigel Trueman. He's the journo that got burned in the fire.

ALEX:
It could be a terrible, terrible misunderstanding, Ray, but we have to check it out, you understand?

RAY:
Oh, shut it, will ya?

GENE:
Ray, you don't just walk away from me! You're a DI. Now you show me you've got the balls to go and arrest Andrew Smith.

JIM KEATS:
Just follow your orders, Ray, like a good puppy dog.

ALEX:
Guv, can't somebody else go?

RAY:
No. If it's got to be done, I'll go. I'm not scared.

ALEX:
Right, I'm going with him.



The Smith residence.

KAREN SMITH:
...and excuse the mess, I'm just unpacking the shopping. (calling upstairs) Andy! (to RAY and ALEX) You don't need to go thanking him again, if that's why you're here. It was enough for you to buy him a few drinks. And the taxi fare was just...

ANDY SMITH appears, smiling.

ANDY SMITH:
Ray.

RAY:
Andrew Smith, I'm arresting you on the suspicion of the attempted murder of Nigel Trueman.

KAREN SMITH:
What the hell's going on? What are you doing?! What are you doing?! Leave him alone!

ANDY SMITH:
Is this is a wind up, Ray?

KAREN SMITH:
Andy, you've done nothing wrong!

ALEX:
Mrs Smith, we need to take your husband to the station to talk to him.

KAREN SMITH:
Talk?! You drag him off like a criminal? What is wrong with you? He saved his life!



Station front desk, and RAY and ALEX escort ANDY SMITH in.

RAY:
Take him to the interview room. Give him anything he wants.

UNIFORMED COPPER:
Right.

ANDY SMITH:
I don't need anything.

RAY:
Look, treat him right or I'll hear about it.

UNIFORMED COPPER:
OK.

ALEX:
Ray.

RAY shrugs off ALEX's comforting pat on the shoulder and walks away. JIM KEATS shimmers up - yet again.

ALEX:
It's possible you'll get your result and then Scotland Yard can stop fussing.

JIM KEATS:
Just so long as it's not "A" result.

ALEX:
Yeah, has to be bona fide.

JIM KEATS:
Alex, you know Hunt. If he's feeling the pressure, he'll wrap it up and get me off his back. I'll leave it to you.



Top of a fire escape or metal stairs of some sort, presumably on the police station. RAY is leaning on the railing, brooding. There's a lot of that going about this series.

ALEX:
You OK, Ray?

RAY:
Yeah. Come up here to breathe sometimes. Feel like I'm choking.

ALEX:
That was a brave thing you did back there. Arresting him. Was tough.

RAY:
Yeah?

ALEX:
Took guts. You remember I said as you ran into the fire, you had a look in your eye?

RAY:
Yeah, I was bricking it.

ALEX:
No, something else. It was the strangest look.

RAY:
Go on then, I'm all agog.

ALEX:
It was hope. Desperate hope.

RAY:
For what?

ALEX:
Going into that fire was not just about helping the woman who was trapped. It was going to help you, too.

RAY:
How's it helping me?

ALEX:
I don't know, Ray. But whatever it is that you're holding onto, you have to let it go. Because it's just going to keep on eating you up, in there.

RAY:
Nothing eats away at these guts, Drake.



Interview room.

GENE:
Right, let's start with the first three fires, shall we? And you can make this very easy for us, Andy. Look at these times and tell us where you were before you started your shift.

ANDY SMITH:
At home.

ALEX:
Can you prove that?

ANDY SMITH:
Ask my wife.

GENE:
You were ID'd at the polling station last night.

ANDY SMITH:
Well I'm a fireman. I was putting out a fire.

GENE:
Just before the fire.

ANDY SMITH:
Well how could someone ID me? I mean, it was dark. It wasn't me.

GENE:
You know a journalist called Nigel Trueman?

ANDY SMITH shakes his head.

GENE:
Well, that's bollocks!

GENE puts the local paper on the table with the report about ANDY SMITH on the front page.

GENE:
One Nigel Trueman. Maybe you thought it would make you look less guilty if you went in that building and saved two people's lives.

ANDY SMITH:
I was doing my job, sir.

GENE:
Crap. You thought that nobody would suspect you if you went in there and rescued them, didn't you?

ANDY SMITH:
I'm not a hero, but I'm not an arsonist either.

ALEX:
Why did you lie about Nigel Trueman? You must have known that we'd check that out.

ANDY SMITH:
I didn't lie.

ALEX:
You said you didn't know him.

ANDY SMITH:
I don't. This was six months ago. He spoke to me for 15 minutes. That's not knowing someone, is it?

GENE:
What did he do to piss you off so much?

ANDY SMITH:
Nothing.

GENE:
That made you want to kill him?

ANDY SMITH:
I didn't.

ALEX:
Talk to us, Andy.

GENE:
Yes, bloody talk!



GENE and ALEX are taking an interview break in the corridor. It's almost like old times.

GENE:
Firemen starting fires? Whatever next, doctors killing patients?

ALEX:
Believe it or not...

GENE:
One thing I do know, he is our arsonist.

ALEX:
And you're certain after five minutes?

GENE:
What, and you're not?

ALEX:
He could have clinical depression, survivor's guilt. Guv, we need something to link him directly, otherwise the Home Office is going to crucify us. He's a war hero and it's Election Day. Let me go in.

GENE lets her go back in and indulge in some psychiatry; ALEX goes in to use some psychology.



ALEX:
I don't know whether you lit these fires or not, Andy, but I do know that you're still in shock about what you saw in the war. You were trained. Trained to kill. But they couldn't train you not to feel, could they?

ANDY SMITH:
Can I have a coffee, please?

ALEX:
You're suffering from mental trauma.

ANDY SMITH:
Black.

ALEX:
Is that why you joined the fire service?

ANDY SMITH:
Two sugars.

ALEX:
You feel if you save people from fires, it might take away some of the guilt you feel at having come back from the war, when some of the men you fought with didn't.

ANDY SMITH:
Not too hot.

ALEX:
But the guilt won't go away, will it?

ANDY SMITH:
Mug would be nice.

ALEX:
If you lit those fires, I will get you the best therapist in this country.

ANDY SMITH:
Country?

ALEX:
Pardon?

ANDY SMITH:
Hmm. That's what I fought for.

ALEX:
Yeah.

ANDY SMITH:
Mmm. Smith, A. 27677.

ALEX:
Your service number?

ANDY SMITH:
Mmm. 27677. You're not stitching me up.

ALEX:
Can we talk about last night?

ANDY SMITH:
27677.

ALEX:
Please, Andy.

ANDY SMITH:
Coffee. Black. Two sugars. Not too hot. Mug would be nice. Please. I didn't do it.



Gene's office. He's looking a mite stressed.

ALEX:
He's clammed up. I'm just getting name, rank and serial number basically.

RAY:
He's been taught to handle interrogation.

ALEX:
Andy needs counselling, and I'm sorry, but we have absolutely no proof that he's the arsonist.

RAY:
Yeah, I agree.

GENE:
Oh, you agree. Well that's reassuring.

RAY:
Well we haven't got any proof, so we let him go.

GENE:
The only place he's going is the holding cell, and you're taking him there. Now, DI Carling!

RAY departs.

GENE:
If we don't crack this case, Newman will see that I join the ranks of the three million unemployed, and nothing will give Keats a bigger lob-on than seeing me fail.

ALEX:
You can't charge him! You can't take that risk! If you take your eyes off the streets, today of all days, and somebody burns to death, then we are REALLY sunk!

GENE:
Our little pyromaniac friend is in that room. Now I'm telling you, Bolly, you do not let Keats call the shots. What we need is a bucket load of evidence. Starting with the wife.



The Quattro screams up to the Smiths' house, where KAREN SMITH and STEVE SMITH are in the drive. GENE opts to go on the attack before he's barely inside the front gate.

GENE:
Four sugars. And my biscuit of choice is the Garibaldi.

KAREN SMITH:
You bring my Andy home, you can have as many biscuits as you like.

GENE:
What're you doing here?

STEVE SMITH:
Fixing my sister-in-law's car. Is that a crime?

GENE:
Right, let's start with the first three fires, shall we? Where was he?

KAREN SMITH:
He went on duty. Usual time.

ALEX:
So he could have set the fires before he started his shift?

GENE:
What about the fire at Nigel Trueman's house? 9am. Where was he then?

KAREN SMITH:
In bed with me. OK?

KAREN SMITH stalks into the house, followed by ALEX.

GENE:
Can you prove it?

STEVE SMITH:
She's obviously telling the truth, mate. What are they hinting?

ALEX:
Andy is suffering from shell shock. He's a man out of control. Now I got a feeling that you're protecting him. Both of you.

STEVE SMITH:
Is that it? Can I go see him?



RAY is escorting ANDY SMITH to the cells.

RAY:
For what it's worth, I think they're all pissing up the wrong tree.

ANDY SMITH:
Cheers, Ray.

RAY:
You never told me about the Falklands, you and your brother. How many Argies did you waste?

ANDY SMITH:
I didn't count.

RAY:
Did you blow any up?

ANDY SMITH:
They were just kids, Ray. Some of them they, they couldn't even hold the rifle properly, you know?

RAY:
Yeah, sorry.

ANDY SMITH:
It's all right.

RAY:
Well, I wanted you to know, it's a real honour for me to have my life saved by someone who served the country. I'm really sorry.



ALEX is having a little chat with KAREN SMITH minus the Charm Monster that is DCI Hunt in an interview situation.

KAREN SMITH:
You think he did it?

ALEX:
Karen, all the evidence we have is circumstantial. If we keep him, people say we've got the wrong man. If we let him out to light fires, we're negligent. We're damned if we do and we are damned if we don't.

KAREN SMITH:
You want to know about feeling damned? You try being him.

ALEX:
Karen, I think he needs help.

KAREN SMITH gets up to find two photographs of ANDY SMITH and returns to the table.

KAREN SMITH:
This one was taken not long before he went out to the Falklands. This one just after he got back. Looks like the same man, doesn't it?

ALEX:
Yeah.

KAREN SMITH:
It isn't. It might look like it is to his mates at work, to everyone else, but when he comes home, he shakes like a leaf. He jumps if a door slams or a car backfires. He don't go to the boozer no more. He doesn't talk to me. To Steve. He doesn't hold me any more, he won't touch me in any... He got burnt, erm, his chest. And, er, they said they could give him a skin graft. They might be able to fix his skin, but what about up here? He scares the kids cos he wakes up in the middle of the night, screaming. No kid should have to listen to that, not from their dad. And, um, I just... I just want my husband back.

ALEX:
Karen, I'm really sorry, but I have to ask you this. Has he confessed to you? Are you protecting him?

KAREN SMITH:
No. Just leave me alone! Just get out!

ALEX:
OK.

KAREN SMITH:
Get out of my house! Get out!

ALEX:
All right.

KAREN SMITH:
Get out! Get out of my house!



RAY escorts STEVE SMITH to the cell to see his brother.

STEVE SMITH:
Just want to make sure he's all right.

RAY:
Yeah, two minutes, OK? Or I'll get it in the neck from the Guv.

STEVE SMITH:
Yeah, I know it don't exactly look good, Ray but I also know my brother never done them fires.

RAY:
I know he didn't, mate. It'll be some anarchist bastard or the IRA, you'll see.

STEVE SMITH:
Ta, Ray.



GENE and ALEX are walkin' and talkin' towards CID.

GENE:
What did you manage to get out of her that I didn't?

ALEX:
From what Karen said, Andy's a lot worse than we thought. And you're right, Guv, she's definitely protecting him. She flew off the handle when I asked if he'd confessed to her.

JIM KEATS wheels a bicyle across their path. Me, I saw that as an opportunity for a basket on the front and an ET joke, but never mind.

JIM KEATS:
You got a war hero locked up on Election Day. The Yard have told me to insist you release Andy Smith within the hour.

ALEX:
Andy Smith is a man out of control. If he's released, he's definitely going to kill again.

JIM KEATS:
Your professional opinion?

ALEX:
Yeah, my professional opinion.

JIM KEATS concedes defeat and wheels onwards with an irritated ping of his bell. GENE and ALEX continue to CID.

ALEX:
You been putting crap in his office again?

GENE:
Yeah. The problem we've got, Bolls, is that the wife and brother are sticking together like Siamese twins in Bostik. Right, what have we got here?

SHAZ:
Streets are quiet and there's no reported problems at any of the polling stations.

SHAZ stops to answer the phone again.

CHRS:
We've been putting the feelers out on PLO, Red Brigade, Anti-Nazi League, the works.

SHAZ:
Guv, there's a problem in the cells.

GENE:
Oh, Jesus.

SHAZ into the phone:
He's coming down.



In the cells, and the Smith brothers have kicked off it seems. RAY is trying to seperate them. GENE wades in while ALEX remains in the safety of the doorway.

RAY:
Hey, hey! Pack it in!

ANDY SMITH:
I know!

GENE:
I will not have fighting in my cells unless it's me doing the fighting, is that understood?

ALEX:
What seems to be the problem?

GENE:
DI Drake asked you a question.

STEVE SMITH:
I was trying to help him. He tried to leg it, so... so I said he's only going to make things worse. I tried to stop him. I'm just trying to help, mate. I'm sorry.

GENE:
A man who tries to leg it sounds like a man who's guilty to me.

RAY takes STEVE SMITH away.

RAY:
Come on.

GENE:
Now, you listen to me. Time is running out for you, Smith. So you stop pissing me about because I know you started those fires!

ANDY SMITH:
No I didn't.

GENE:
One, you had motive, two, you were seen at the polling station, three, your family are covering for you and four, you're about as sane as a box of frogs in party hats!

ALEX:
That is no way to talk to somebody with mental health issues.

GENE walks off.



CID.

GENE:
Right, come on. One tiny detail that's been missed. It's got to be there somewhere.

CHRIS:
God is in the detail, that's what Sam Tyler used to say.

ALEX:
We'll have to look at the witness statements again.

RAY:
You won't find anything, he's not guilty.

SHAZ:
Guv, that was the hospital, about the journalist.

GENE:
Is he up for answering questions?

SHAZ:
Might be tricky. He's dead.

GENE:
Excellent. What else have you got for me? A burning down orphanage? Couple of chargrilled kittens? You know, if the Queen Mother self combusted on my watch, I'd been blamed for that an' all!

JIM KEATS bursts in. I know his office isn't great, but he's hardly ever IN it.

JIM KEATS:
Army recruitment office, Banks Street. Just burnt down.

RAY:
There you go. Andy couldn't have done it, he's locked up. I told you he was innocent.

JIM KEATS:
Time's up, Gene. Newman's orders. Release him.



In the cells, RAY lets out an almost twitching ANDY SMITH.

RAY:
Good luck, mate.



CID kitchen, and JIM KEATS is giving RAY one of those lovely chummy chats of his. I'm just amazed at RAY using a teapot.

JIM KEATS:
Everyone thought you was mad to go into that fire, but you're still here. Everyone thought you was mad to believe Smith was innocent, but it looks like you're right. I told you, didn't I? Trust your instincts, Ray. You won't go wrong.

RAY:
Cheers, sir.



CID, and the election results are coming in on the television.

DAVID DIMBLEBY on TV:
Tonight and tomorrow then, we're going to have results from all 650 constituencies, but the result in terms of seats in the House of Commons is going to be, as ever, decided not in...

MRS THATCHER on TV:
Just rejoice at that news and congratulate our forces and the Marines.

REPORTER on TV:
Are we going to declare war on Argentina, Mrs Thatcher?

ALEX has been doodling stars on a notepad, much like SHAZ.

NEWSREADER on TV:
Well that dramatic announcement made in Downing Street 40 minutes ago ended 24 anxious hours for Mrs Thatcher...

RAY is having trouble getting his lighter to work, so Chris offers him the Pink Lighter of Anarchy.

RAY:
Poof.

It still doesn't work.

KATE ADIE on TV:
...Mr Jenkins maintained his theme that the Alliance now constitutes a serious threat to Mrs Thatcher. The SDP is now wondering whether, believing it's already turned support into votes, whether it can translate votes into seats. Tonight, Mr Jenkins was in Southampton, again deriding...

The lights waver and dim, there's the sound of crows and GHOSTLY COPPER makes an appearance in CID. ALEX gasps, then either sees or flashbacks to RAY going into the burning building. Suddenly she starts joining up some of the stars on her doodle to make the number "6620" The phone rings, the lights come back on and everything is back to normal. ALEX answers the phone.

ALEX into the phone:
CID. Yes, I understand. Thank you.

ALEX:
The recruitment office was burnt using an electrical trigger, just like the other fires.

JIM KEATS:
So it was our real arsonist. You've wasted time and you've put lives in danger. Congratulations, quite a day's work.

JIM KEATS leaves, and a uniformed PC arrives with a large envelope for GENE which he puts on his desk. GENE opens it to reveal a battered and smoke-blackened metal box.



CID, and the thrill of the election just keeps going on. And on. And on.

PETER SNOW on TV:
...just how we reckon the new Parliament will look, and here it goes. Here is our forecast. There it goes. The Conservatives, 398...

SHAZ:
Oh, God. She's gonna win by a mile.

RAY:
Give it a rest, Granger, will ya? Maggie versus an old boy in a duffle coat?

SHAZ:
D'you have any idea why Andy Smith's so messed up in the head? It's because of her.

RAY:
Oh yeah, and what d'you know about it, little girl? Eh?

CHRIS:
Steady on, mate, she's entitled to her opinion.

RAY:
Her opinion? Based on what? What she's learnt at some college in Bromley? What she's read in a book? Or what her bisexual mates down the wine bar are saying? That was a brave man! If he'd have done it, he'd have confessed. Because THAT was a brave man!

ALEX:
Why does it matter so much to you, Ray?

RAY:
Oh, don't you start!

GENE comes into CID bearing his metal box.

GENE:
D'you know, I hate being right sometimes. Apparently, that started the fire at the recruitment office, so I asked if I could have a look at it.

ALEX:
Well it's just a standard distribution board, isn't it?

GENE:
Exactly. But it wasn't started with a fuse wire, and it's been doused in, er... What's that liquid called, Ray?

RAY:
Liquid accelerant.

GENE:
Right. That has been rigged to look like the other attacks, but it's not. It's a copy.

RAY:
No.

ALEX:
It would have to be somebody who knew how the other fires were set.

SHAZ:
Someone fairly close to Andy Smith, then.

GENE:
Yeah, like his brother. Who is probably, as I speak, planning his next target. Making sense to you, Bolls?

ALEX:
Andy is disturbed. Steve isn't.

GENE:
He'll be a lot more disturbed by the time I've finished with him. Right, Poirot, Terry, go pick up Steve Smith. Ray, Chris, Lady B, you come with me. Let's have a nose round Andy's place.



RAY breaks down the door of the Smiths' house and they pile in to search.

RAY:
Karen?

In a bureau in the bedroom, RAY finds a mess tin with a list of the targets hit so far, and one to come. With heavy heart, RAY summons GENE to see.

RAY:
Guv?

GENE:
Finchley? Shit!

GENE and co head for the Quattro.

GENE into the radio:
He's going after the PM. Correct! He's planning on bombing her in her constituency.

ALEX:
Guv.

GENE into the radio:
Will you tell the Not So Special Branch they've got a bloody bomb right underneath their noses!

ALEX:
He doesn't get to Thatcher. I know that.

GENE:
Do you bend spoons with this amazing mind of yours an' all?

ALEX:
The IRA try and get to Thatcher, but that's not until next year.

GENE:
Maybe I'm going to win the pools this week? No? Right, then shut up and help me find Andy Smith.

ALEX:
Listen, Guv, I want you to keep a really close eye on Ray, okay? He's not taking this very well at all and he won't talk to me.

GENE:
Bolly, I am not here to babysit my DI. Little bit busy saving the Great Handbag. Now move it, woman!

ALEX:
I'm staying here.

GENE:
What the hell for?

ALEX:
In case we've missed anything.

GENE:
He's just left a paper trail, what more d'you need?

ALEX:
You just go, and I'll let you know if I find anything.

ALEX returns to the house and finds a photo album, in which is a charming snap of KAREN, STEVE and ANDY SMITH, the latter looking the odd one out while Karen and Steve smile at each other. Subtle it ain't.



CID, and ALEX comes in to talk to STEVE SMITH who's waiting by her desk. POIROT is on his way out.

POIROT:
Oh, goodnight, ma'am.

ALEX:
Night. (to STEVE SMITH) How long have you been sleeping with her? Is that why you were so keen to help him?

STEVE SMITH:
I'm not.

ALEX:
Is that why you started the fire at the Army recruitment place? Because you felt guilty about having the affair with Karen? Wanted to get Andy released? Make us think we'd got the wrong man? It was a pretty rushed job.

STEVE SMITH:
She waited for him. Yeah? And when he came home, she still waited for him. But although he was home, he never came back. She's a hero too, you know? I love her. I always have. I love my brother, too. He's always looked out for me. When we were kids, in the Falklands, always. I owe him.

ALEX:
When did he find out about the affair?

STEVE SMITH:
Today. When I went to the cells. He knew Karen had lied for him. He said he's never going to forgive her.

ALEX:
Where's Karen now?

STEVE SMITH:
At my place.

ALEX:
Call her.

STEVE SMITH picks up the phone and dials; it's not good news.

ALEX:
What?

STEVE SMITH:
It's dead.



GENE and the boys are roaring to Finchley in the Quattro.

ALEX over the radio:
Guv, Andy's not at Finchley. He's got a more pressing target. It's Karen. Go to 29, Broad Elm Road.

GENE into the radio:
What?!

ALEX into the radio:
Guv, just trust me.

GENE into the radio:
You'd better be bloody right about this, Bolly.

The quattro does an impressive about turn for an old motor and roars off in the opposite direction.

Officer over the radio:
Proceed with caution, remember suspect may be armed.



Steve Smith's house.

GENE:
Right, Ray, Chris, round the side.

CHRIS:
Right you are, Guv. Coming, Ray?

He does. ALEX goes to ring the doorbell.

GENE:
Bolly, you're not the bloody Avon lady.

GENE has his gun drawn and shoulders down the door. Multi-tasking.

ANDY SMITH:
Look what you've done now, eh?!

GENE:
Are you having a barbecue, Smith?

GENE aims his gun. KAREN SMITH is bound and gagged on the floor and petrol has been thrown over everything, including medals and Army kit. ANDY SMITH is a desperate man. With a lighter.

ANDY SMITH:
You come any closer and I'm gonna flick this. Drop the gun, or the whole place goes up.

RAY busts down the back door and he and CHRIS pile into the house.

GENE:
Don't do this, Andy.

ANDY SMITH:
Drop it!

RAY and CHRIS appear at the other door of the room.

ANDY SMITH:
Hey. Hey, hey, hey. I want you out of here. All of you. Now!

GENE:
Just let your wife come with us, yeah?

ANDY SMITH:
She's not my wife any more. Not after what she's done! And don't tell me what to do, cos I've had it, taking orders from people. Because you're all liars!

ALEX:
Andy, I know you feel neglected. By the Army, by everybody you've trusted.

ANDY SMITH:
What's that? You don't know nothing about me.

ALEX:
You need to talk to somebody who understands exactly what you've been through.

ANDY SMITH:
Right... So some shrink, some doctor says a few, what, magic words and everything's back to normal, is it? Is it?! It doesn't bring back my mates, does it? Take away the image in my head of when that bomb hit the ship. Because they didn't burn to death. Nah. Nah, they melted. Right in front of me. And I'm running to help them, but there's... They're... Well, there's nothing. They're gone. They're just... They're just gone.

ANDY SMITH pulls down the front of his shirt to reveal his burn.

ANDY SMITH:
This ain't the mark- Look at it! This isn't the mark of a hero. This is the mark of a MUG! People said, "Could've been worse, Andy. Could've been your face, mate." But let me tell you something, wouldn't have made a blind bit of difference, cos either way, SHE still finds me disgusting. (to KAREN SMITH) Don't you? DON'T YOU? EH? She lied. Steve lied. Trueman lied. He promised he'd print that I said that the war wasn't worth losing my mates for. He didn't. The Army lied. Thatcher lied. Now, if you really want to help... then you get out. I'm going to give you three seconds. Three.

GENE:
We're not going.

ANDY SMITH:
Two.

ALEX:
Guv.

RAY:
Go on, Guv, do as he says. Get out. And you, Drake. Go on, Chris. Out.

RAY picks up the petrol can and sloshes it over himself.

RAY:
Andy's right. What's the bloody point of it all? Andy thought he'd come back a hero. He is a hero. But what the hell did he fight for? He lost his mates. He was neglected by the Army. His wife betrayed him. His brother betrayed him. So what the hell's it all been for, eh? So what the hell's it been for, eh?! Cos you know what, Andy? I wanted to be you once. A soldier, like me dad. And his dad before him. And me uncle Col. They fought in wars. Central Lancashire Rifles. Medals. DSO, DSM. And I was all ready to join up. 16 and raring to go. And d'you know what stopped me? Me. Night before the interview, I went out and got hammered. City had beaten United. Bell with a header. BANG! Kidded myself that I was drinking to celebrate, but I knew deep down, that wasn't the reason. I was scared shitless of being shot. Of being bombed. I was just scared of dying. The more scared I got, the more I drank. Well, I missed that interview. And as far as my dad was concerned, I'd blown it. And then I joined the police. I thought, "This is it." I still wasn't good enough. And I'll never be good enough. I've been choking on that ever since.

Tissues all round.

RAY:
Anyway, let's get this over and done with, eh? Are you ready?

ANDY SMITH:
Yeah.

RAY gets out the inevitable fag. And the Pink Lighter of Anarchy.

RAY:
One last cigarette, eh?

RAY tries lighting the Pink Lighter of Anarchy that never works. And it doesn't work.

RAY:
Bastard lighter!

RAY nods to the lighter in ANDY SMITH's hand.

RAY:
Can I light it, mate? Oh, please. Come on, I'm ready.

ANDY SMITH:
Yeah.

RAY:
Let me light it.

ANDY SMITH hesitates, then hands over his lighter to RAY, who immediately tosses it to GENE.

RAY:
Guv!

GENE aims his gun again and CHRIS makes to put on the cuffs. RAY stands between them all and ANDY SMITH.

ANDY SMITH:
Oh, no.

RAY:
No, don't touch him! (to ANDY SMITH) Ready?

ANDY SMITH:
Yeah.

RAY leads ANDY SMITH away. CHRIS goes to release a sobbing KAREN SMITH.

CHRIS:
It's OK. It's OK. It's all right.



Outside the house, and ALEX, RAY and CHRIS lean on the Quattro and watch uniform take ANDY SMITH away.

CHRIS:
How did you know he was going to give you the lighter?

RAY:
I didn't.

ALEX:
And?

RAY:
Just played up to him, you know? Tried to connect with him.

ALEX:
Yeah. Yeah, everybody knows that.

ALEX isnt buying.

ALEX:
So?

RAY unexpectedly leans over and kisses her on the cheek. ALEX is almost as surprised as I was.

RAY:
And if you tell anybody, I'll put itching powder down your knickers for a month. You'll be praying for a dose of the clap, just to take the heat away!

GENE:
Ray! Arse off the Quattro.

RAY laughs.



Gene's office, and he's getting himself a much needed Scotch as SHAZ drops off a file.

SHAZ:
Everything all right, Guv?

GENE:
Let me see. Gary Cooper is still a hero, Franny Lee is still a god and Gene Hunt is still the sheriff of this shandy-drinking, leotard-wearing, godforsaken, Southern shithole.

SHAZ:
I'll see you down Luigi's.

SHAZ smiles and leaves, passing JIM KEATS en route.

SHAZ:
Night, Sir.

JIM KEATS:
Night.

JIM KEATS comes into Gene's office and shuts the door. Another round of nastiness then. Sigh.

JIM KEATS:
Carling did well. You owe him. Cos that would have been a bloody big nail in your coffin, Gene. Still, that's the thing about this place. Always plenty of nails.

GENE:
You see I was right about Andy Smith and you were wrong. Put that in your report, Jimbo. D&C nil, Gene Hunt's guts one.

JIM KEATS:
It's funny you bring that up. Your guts. Because you ain't got the stomach to go where I'm taking you. Was Ray's victory today, not yours, and he knows it.

GENE:
Turning 'em all against me? How exciting.

JIM KEATS:
Oh, I don't have to, mate. The scales are falling from their eyes.

JIM KEATS turns to go, but pauses in the doorway because he can't resist a parting gift.

JIM KEATS:
I hear Alex has been talking to Manchester. That's interesting. Night-night.



Luigi's, and RAY is doing some more of that brooding stuff at one table. At another, ALEX and SHAZ are having a girly chat. The television with yet more election and Falklands footage is playing in the background.

ALEX:
I thought you were supposed to be seeing Julian tonight?

SHAZ:
Yeah, I was. It's just... I don't think I've got anything in common with him.

ALEX:
Well opposites can attract, Shaz.

SHAZ:
I think he's a bit posh for me, ma'am.

ALEX:
Well somebody from one class can still find somebody from another class attractive.

The door slams as GENE walks in and up to the bar; ALEX looks up.

ALEX:
Maybe not attractive. Quite fond of, in a funny sort of a way.

GENE:
Luigi, give me one of them large bastard Cubans.

LUIGI:
Coming up.

SHAZ:
He loves country walks, whereas I'm more of a city girl.

ALEX:
You could compromise.

SHAZ:
He likes jazz.

ALEX:
Dump him.

GENE:
Stick it on the tab. Good man.

GENE goes over to RAY and places the cigar in front of him.

GENE:
Three words. Well done, Ray.

And then we have another Spooky Moment. A zoom in on RAY, everything going dark and quiet around him as he looks directly at us, and another short burst of 'Life On Mars'.

# To the girl with the mousy hair #

NELSON:
Always open! Always open! Heh heh heh.

# And her mummy is yelling "no" #

Normal lighting and audio resume.

MUSIC: 'Volare' by Dean Martin

GENE:
You OK, Raymondo?

RAY:
Yeah. I'm OK, thanks, Guv.

GENE lights RAY's cigar for him. It's not the Pink Lighter of Anarchy, y'see, so it works.

# We can sing in the glow of a star that I know of
# Where lovers enjoy peace of mind #

CHRIS:
You had us all going with that story of your dad and the Army and that. Tears in your eyes, the works.

RAY:
I had meself going a little bit.

# Just like birds of a feather, a rainbow together we'll find
# Volare, oh, oh, oh #

GENE departs and ALEX comes over to talk to RAY.

ALEX:
Your dad would have been really proud of you today, Ray.

RAY:
Yeah? Well, he wouldn't have told me, even if he was.

ALEX:
Like you'd never tell Chris that he's the best friend you've ever had. And you'd never tell the Guv that you worship the ground he walks on. And your dad would probably never have been able to say to your face that he was really, really proud of you today.

RAY:
Alex?

ALEX:
Yes, Ray?

RAY:
I meant what I said. About the itching powder down your knickers.

ALEX laughs and RAY grins. GENE returns with a whisky for RAY and himself and takes a seat.

RAY:
Cheers, Guv.

ALEX:
Thanks.

PETER SNOW getting overexcited on the TV:
...building up like anything. They have an overall majority, look at all of those dots, right the way from the top of Scotland, right the way down, right the way down to Cornwall.

MUSIC: 'Shipbuilding' by Robert Wyatt

Footage of Mrs Thatcher waving from No.10 in victory. RAY gets to his feet and starts to apparently slow hand clap, except it turns into applause and he's joined by GENE and others of CID. SHAZ looks slightly appalled, but ALEX merely raises her glass, resigned to the inevitable.

# Is it worth it #


Credits.


# A new winter coat and shoes for the wife
# And a bicycle on the boy's birthday
# It's just a rumour that was spread around town
# By the women and children
# Soon we'll be shipbuilding #