Ashes to Ashes, series three, episode five.
Writer: Tom Butterworth & Chris Hurford
Director: Jamie Payne

xxxx

MUSIC: 'Theme from Shaft' by Issac Hayes

A montage of Sam Tyler's greatest 70s hits in something of a opening titles stylee. Gene Hunt provides the voiceover.

GENE voiceover:
He's stylish. He's modern. He knows what he wants, and he gets it.

The picture rewinds, with interference like a video tape. There's a burst of static and a glimpse of the Quattro.

GENE;
Bolly!

We return to the Sam Tyler montage.

GENE voiceover:
The Sam Tyler jacket. Stylish. Modern.

GENE:
Bolly.

GENE voiceover:
Seductive.

The picture rewinds again, more static and the Quattro appears again. There's the noise of a police radio.

GENE:
Come on, wake up, Bolly.

The image switches rapidly between shots of Sam Tyler and bursts of static.

GENE voiceover:
The Sam Tyler jacket.

We switch to the interior of the Quattro, and GENE prods ALEX in the ribs, waking her up. It was all a dream.

GENE:
Come on, wake up, Bolly.

ALEX:
All right, get off me. I'm awake.

MUSIC: 'Town Called Malice' by The Jam

GENE:
I am not having two months hard graft blown by you, Sleeping Beauty.

GENE starts up the Quattro.

Officer over police radio:
Target on the move. All stations go.

GENE:
In case you've forgotten, we're professionals, remember?

The Quattro roars out of its place of concealment.

# Stop dreaming of the quiet life
# Cos it's the one we'll never know
# And quit running for the runaway bus
# Cos those rosy days are few #

Meanwhile RAY and CHRIS in their place of concealment are practicing 'body popping'.

CHRIS:
Toe, push, heel. Toe, push, heel. Toe, push, heel.

RAY:
Hang on, you're putting me off.

CHRIS:
Now do the robot arm.

RAY:
The robot arm at the same time as a toe and a push, how the f...?

# Stop apologising for the things you've never done
# Cos time is short and life is cruel #

SHAZ over the radio:
Target sighted. Repeat, target sighted.

# And it's up to us to change
# This town called malice #

A van pulls into view. RAY and CHRIS pull their weapons and hurry into position. The Quattro comes screeching round a corner. Meanwhile the BAD GUYS are gloating over their illicit goods in the back of the van - pornographic videos.

BAD GUY:
Twenty-two boxes of prime porn.

The Quattro pulls up, GENE and ALEX get out, the latter actually armed for a change.

GENE:
Morning, scumbags.

The two BAD GUYS make a break for it, but RAY and CHRIS come running up and grab them.

GENE:
Right then, where's your guvnor?

A third BAD GUY leaps from the back of the van and runs away. ALEX aims her gun.

ALEX:
Quick! Freeze!

He keeps running.

GENE:
You going to shoot him, Bolls? No. Right, let's go run him over.

GENE and ALEX get in the car. Meanwhile BAD GUY number three comes to a halt and there's a squeal of tyres and a thump. A black Rover SD1 comes round the corner with the BAD GUY sprawled across the bonnet, breaks sharply and he falls off.

BAD GUY:
Urgh.

DI BEVAN gets out of the Rover as the Quattro squeals to a halt. GENE gets out and goes for his gun, but stops as DCI LITTON emerges from the car.

# Struggle after struggle
# Year after year #

LITTON:
I was told you'd be down here, making a mess of things.

GENE:
Well bugger me! It's the Gay 'Tache Twins.

CHRIS:
What you doing down here? You're Manchester CID.

LITTON:
Nothing changes, eh? You still need me to come down here, show you lot how it's done.

LITTON demonstrates this by kicking the BAD GUY in the stomach.

BAD GUY:
Urgh.

ALEX:
Who are you?

GENE:
That is Litton.

GENE opts to demonstrate he knows exactly how to do things by also kicking the BAD GUY. Not a good moment to be a BAD GUY just then really.

BAD GUY:
Urgh.

GENE:
Detective Chief Inspector bastard Litton.

I don't think GENE's pleased to see him, d'you, kiddies?


Opening titles.

ALEX voiceover:
My name is Alex Drake. I was shot and found myself in 1983. Is it real? Or in my mind? Either way, I have to solve the mystery of what all this means and fight to get home. Because time is running out.


The BAD GUYS are hustled into the station, GENE and ALEX following behind and en route to CID.

GENE:
Book 'em, Skip.

BAD GUY:
This is a joke. You ain't got nothing.

VIV:
Yeah, yeah, yeah...

ALEX:
This Litton can't be that bad.

GENE:
You serve eight years in the same manor, you know someone. Trust me. Litton's a lying little bastard weasel-boy.



CID, and LITTON is entertaining the troops.

LITTON:
...and that's why they're called Bananarama. True story.

Much laughter, particularly from RAY. Even JIM KEATS is amused (yes, he's here again). GENE and ALEX burst in.

BEVAN:
Hey up, totty's arrived.

GENE:
Sorry to break up the love-in, Keats.

JIM KEATS:
Well I was just letting Derek here know, we're...

GENE:
Derek?! Sorry, am I to presume that you're referring to DCI Twat-head Litton here?

LITTON:
DCI Queen's Medal actually. Didn't you hear?

LITTON opens his coat to reveal said medal pinned inside.

LITTON:
Don't like to show it off.

JIM KEATS:
And this is DI Bevan.

BEVAN:
Pleasure to be here.

GENE:
This prancing berk has just gate-crashed my operation.

LITTON:
Only too happy to snatch your suspect though, Geno.

GENE:
You couldn't snatch your left knacker if it was tatooed with the words "Litton's left knacker"!

ALEX:
A whiff of homo-erotic tension? How exciting.

LITTON:
Drakkar Noir, actually. You like it?

JIM KEATS:
I was just assuring DCI Litton of, er, my full cooperation, on his case down here.

GENE:
What case?

LITTON:
This isn't just a social call, Geno. Frank Hardwick, stand-up comic. You heard of him?

CHRIS:
I remember him. He were very rude.

LITTON:
Hardwick used to do the Manchester club circuit. Bit of a draw. Then it all went tits skyward a few years back, quit the day job, took up the Scotch and Tizers. But last week Frank Hardwick went and became Scumbag Number One.

GENE:
Why? What did he do? Throw up all over your Next For Men loafers?

BEVAN:
Last Friday, celebrity golf fund-raiser.

LITTON:
Police widows. This parasite swans into the club house, nicks two grand from the pot and scarpers down to your patch.

CHRIS:
He stole a police widows collection?

RAY and BEVAN in unison:
Bastard.

KEATS:
Exactly. So the Super wants us to help our Manchester brethren any way we can.

RAY:
I'm in boys. All the way. What? I just want ten minutes in a cell with this creep, doesn't make me a bad person.

BEVAN:
Atta boy, Raymond.

JIM KEATS:
Yeah, I didn't hear that. But this is official. DCI Litton's sharing this office until further notice. Plus, any resources he needs.

GENE audibly groans. JIM KEATS shakes LITTON's hand.

JIM KEATS:
Oh, and I should remind you of the new arrest and detention procedures being introduced as of today. There are more forms to fill, I know. So, let's do everything by the book, shall we?

JIM KEATS starts to go, LITTON hurrying forward to open the door for him.

LITTON:
Allow me, Jim.

JIM KEATS:
Thank you, Derek. Such a gentleman.

JIM KEATS leaves, LITTON watching him go.

LITTON:
Right. Now the pencil-neck's gone, let me tell you what's really going down.

GENE:
Oh, I've been waiting for this.

LITTON:
If we nail Hardwick for a measley two grand, some soft-arsed judge let's him walk with nothing more than a Chinese burn. You know how it works.

GENE:
So you want to fit him up to make it look like something far worse?

LITTON:
Something more deserving of scum who steal from police widows, yes.

ALEX:
You can't do that.

RAY:
Why not? Sends out a clear message. Don't mess with us and ours.

BEVAN:
Glad someone down here's still got their bollocks.

ALEX:
Because there's something called the law. S'that ring any bells?

LITTON:
Where did you get this one from, Genie? We'd fit up three tossers before breakfast back in our day, darling.

GENE:
Still is my day, Litton.

LITTON:
One last thing. Hardwick is my suspect, so my collar. Capiche?

GENE:
Whatever you're here to do, you do it fast and in the meantime you keep out of my way. Capiche?

LITTON:
Oh, Geno. The least I expected was a race. First one to find Hardwick gets a barrel of beer? What's happened to you?

GENE:
Right, A team. Mush.

GENE storms out of CID, ALEX and CHRIS obediently following.

CHRIS:
You coming, Ray?

BEVAN:
Ray's just going to get us started on Hardwick. Aren't you Ray?

RAY:
Just get 'em started, eh?



The corridor outside CID.

ALEX:
Well, and I thought you were a throwback. Compared to those two, you're practically homo erectus.

GENE:
Homo what? You're obsessed, woman.

ALEX:
They come in here, dragging their knuckles along the ground, trying to frame everybody in sight. D'you buy any of this police widows stuff?

They come to a halt next to SHAZ, and look into CID where RAY is laughing with LITTON and BEVAN.

GENE:
No, it stinks like a month-old Chinky.

SHAZ:
Litton's up to something.

GENE:
Yeah, the question is what. Right, Bolly, Shaz, see what you can dig up on this Frank Hardwick bloke.

ALEX:
You're not going to let Litton frame him, are you?

GENE:
No. Stopping Litton's been one of my vocations in life. Right, we play along, find out what he's really up to.

CHRIS appears in the distance, with an armful of files. Apparently the A team these days is reduced to just Gene and the girls. Well, lucky him.

GENE:
Chris! Want you to help Shaz and Bolly.

CHRIS:
Now? It's just that DCI Keats asked me to percolate out these procedures.

GENE strides to CHRIS, snatches the files and dumps them on the ground. ALEX goes over to pick them back up again.

GENE:
Percolated. Right, I want the real reason why Litton is after Hardwick, not that bloody fairy tale he's just spun us.

SHAZ:
What about Ray?

GENE:
Well he's busy.

ALEX:
Look, don't make this easy for Keats, all right? He's not stupid.

BEVAN comes through the door, and gets up close and personal with GENE as he passes.

BEVAN:
All right, Gene?

ALEX:
You used to work with him?

GENE:
No.

GENE walks away after that unconvincing answer. ALEX meanwhile dumps the files on SHAZ.

ALEX:
Thanks, Shaz.



CID kitchen, and SHAZ is making tea under the unwanted eye of RAY and BEVAN.

BEVAN:
Peppermint tea? Poofters work here then?

RAY:
Nah. Some of the birds like it.

BEVAN:
Poofs.

RAY:
Poofs. Exactly.

They chuckle.

BEVAN:
Glad to see you've not changed, Raymondo. London'll turn you soft as a plimsol full of shite.

RAY:
Not me, Geoff. No chance.

SHAZ:
How many sugars for the troglodytes?

BEVAN:
Troglodytes? What's that mean?

SHAZ:
Means big. Strong. From the North.

BEVAN:
All right then. Three please, love.

RAY:
Aye, three for me an' all.

BEVAN:
Remember that wages hold-up? Mike the Mule driving?

RAY:
You pulled the sawn-off on him.

BEVAN:
Shat himself.

RAY:
Literally!

They laugh at this amusing recollection. You probably had to be there. CHRIS comes in.

RAY:
Oh, happy days, Geoff. Happy days.

CHRIS:
All right, fellas? (to RAY) I booked the gym. Dance rehearsal.

BEVAN:
Dance rehearsal?

CHRIS:
Yeah, police gala. Opportunity Cops. This Friday. Me and Ray are body popping. Show him your moonwalk.

Ray would obviously sooner eat his own leg and declines, embarrassed. CHRIS starts to show off his moves instead, when LITTON comes in.

MUSIC: 'The Lovecats' by The Cure

CHRIS:
You're still on for it, yeah?

LITTON:
Come on, leave the Duracell bunny. We've work to do. Raymond. Fill us in on your grasses.



CID, and ALEX has decided to go fishing and approaches BEVAN, hand outstretched to shake. He ignores it.

ALEX:
Hi. We weren't introduced properly. DI Drake.

BEVAN:
DI? Sorry, love, I thought you were secretarial.

ALEX:
No. No, amazingly they, er, they let us solve crimes. Whatever next, eh? The vote? So, d'you know DCI Hunt well?

BEVAN:
Can't say I did.

ALEX:
What about DI Sam Tyler?

BEVAN:
Can't say I did.

ALEX:
You can't say very much, can you?

BEVAN:
I can say when someone's being nosey. (to SHAZ) Or clever. Troglodyte means cave dweller. You might have shagged your way this far, girlie, but don't come it with me.

LITTON arrives.

LITTON:
Handbags at dawn?

BEVAN:
Your DI is an offensive moron.

LITTON:
I've heard about this. When women work together their periods start to coincide, don't they? Get's very emotional all at once.

LITTONS moves on to BEVAN, ALEX turning away without bopping him one on the nose - which I thought disappointing.

LITTON:
Right, let's kick some bums.



CID and the television is showing FRANK HARDWICK doing one of his routines.

FRANK HARDWICK on TV:
She said 'Francis, not tonight,' she said. 'I am going to the doctor's tomorrow, and I want everything to be nice and fresh down below.' I said 'Really? Well you're not going to the bloody dentist as well, are you?'

There's much audience hilarity on the television and CHRIS grins.

CHRIS:
He is funny though.

The looks on SHAZ and ALEX's faces indicate disagreement.

CHRIS:
If you like jokes that hate women.

FRANK HARDWICK on TV:
...he thinks Anita Harris is an operation for piles.

GENE closes the door to CID and addresses his beleaguered kingdom.

GENE:
Right. Apart from crimes against comedy, what else is Frank Hardwick guilty of?

SHAZ:
Well he's a darker horse than we thought. When the career stalled, he got into some very dodgy stuff. Bank fraud, counterfeiting. He's mixed with some right heavies up in Manchester.

ALEX:
Seems he might have fallen out of favour as well. He owes big money. I don't think Hardwick's just running away from the police. So, why's Litton got the hots for him?

GENE:
Dunno yet. But going to bloody find out.

CHRIS:
Apparently Hardwick's got a soft spot for the toms. Massage parlours, knocking shops...

ALEX:
Is there no end to the man's charm?

GENE looks thoughtful and then strides out of CID, on a mission.



Evidence room, and ALEX, SHAZ and CHRIS catch up with GENE to find him bagging up some of the recently seized pornographic videos. They include such sterling titles as "Flashes of Gashes" and "Hardcore Hoe-down"

SHAZ:
Who watches this filth?

ALEX:
You care to share anything with us, Guv?

GENE:
I am going to stitch Hardwick up like a kipper and get to the bottom of this bloody charade.

ALEX:
You're going to do what?

GENE passes CHRIS a second bag.

GENE:
There you go. Fill your boots then follow me.



Rear exit of the police station, and ALEX is following GENE to the Quattro, in full "you can't do that" mode.

ALEX:
Guv, this is exactly the kind of malpractice that Keats is expecting.

GENE:
Well, I won't tell if you don't.

ALEX:
Well it's not about Keats, is it? It's about what's right. Look, I want to nail these caveman just as much as you do, just not in a way that makes us as bad as them.

GENE:
Well, I'll see you later then.

ALEX walks off in a huff; GENE glowers a bit.



Corridor, and JIM KEATS is apparently hall monitor for today. He waylays a porn-laden CHRIS.

JIM KEATS:
Hope those aren't my new procedures, Chris.

CHRIS:
Yeah. No, er, I've just got to do something for the Guv first. Other Guv. DCI Hunt, Guv.

CHRIS manages to conceal the tapes from JIM KEATS and joins GENE at the Quattro.

GENE:
Come on, Christopher. I asked you to bag up a load of porn, not watch it.

CHRIS:
Litton's not going to be too happy with you stealing his thunder, Guv.

GENE:
Look, if Ravi bloody Shankar wants a race, we'll give him one.

CHRIS gets in the front, for the first time ever as far as I can recall, and the Quattro drives off.

MUSIC: 'Sharp Dressed Man' by ZZ Top



Meanwhile, RAY, LITTON and BEVAN are on a search for information. First up a lady of negotiable affection.

LITTON:
All right, darling. My name's DCI Litton and I'd like you to look at this photograph, tell me if you've seen this man.

The lady of the night takes RAY's proffered cigarette, but shakes her head.

LITTON:
Eh, eh, 'scuse me. Look at the photograph. Please.

She ignores him, takes the whole pack of ciggies and walks away.



GENE and CHRIS are also trying a similarly under-dressed lady.

GENE:
We're looking for this man, Mr Frankie Hardwick. D'you know him?



A sleazy club somewhere, and RAY, LITTON and BEVAN are on their way out in one direction, when yet another young lady directs them in another.

CLUB HOSTESS:
No, no, no. Out this way. Left.

LITTON:
That way.

CLUB HOSTESS:
Left.

LITTON:
Make your bloody mind up.

They turn back.

LITTON:
It's a toilet.

They groan and tun back the way they'd been going before.

LITTON:
Great, another bloody comedian. Come on.



The Quattro pulls up at another club. Inside, CHRIS brings a tray of drinks.

GLORIA:
Since when have you surrounded yourself with toy boys, Gene? (To CHRIS) Come here. Come on.

GLORIA pats the bench beside her and CHRIS nervously cautiously sits next to her. GENE puts a photograph of FRANK HARDWICK on the table.

GENE:
Right, Gloria, time to take your Pernod goggles off. Frank Hardwick, come down from Manchester looking for friends. You had the pleasure?

GLORIA:
My clients rely on my discretion. I don't grass them up.

CHRIS:
Frank's got himself into a bit of trouble. We're just trying to sort it out.

GLORIA:
Oh, I get it. Good cop, bad cop. (she looks pointedly at GENE) I wonder which is which?

GLORIA picks up the photograph.

GLORIA:
Oh, he's not what he was, is he?

GENE:
Neither are you, sweetheart, so get talking. You tell us and you can have DC Skelton for the afternoon.

GLORIA:
The Laughter Place.

CHRIS:
That's the alternative comedy club.

GENE:
Good, right. Drink up. Got a little job for you, Glo.

GLORIA:
Oi, I told you what I know, you fat bastard. We are quits!

GENE:
Erm, excuse me, bad cop, remember? Mush!

GENE walks off, while GLORIA tightens her grip on CHRIS.

GENE:
Christopher!

SHAZ over the radio:
Chris, are you there, over?

CHRIS grabs the radio like a drowning man with a lifebelt and makes his escape.

CHRIS into the radio:
Yes, Shaz.



CID.

SHAZ into the radio:
Did you say 'The Laughter Place'?

CHRIS over the radio:
Why?

SHAZ into the radio:
Oh, in case you need backup.

CHRIS over the radio:
Thanks, Shaz.



The Quattro is parked up in sight of the entrance to the comedy club; FRANK HARDWICK appears.

GENE:
Aye, aye. Looks like I won the race. Look lively, Gloria. Your comedy hero's returning from lunch. Christopher, porno.

GENE dumps the bag of pornographic videos in GLORIA's lap.

GENE:
Right, go work your magic. Offer him a freebie.

GLORIA gives him a dirty look, but gets out and goes over to FRANK HARDWICK.

MUSIC: 'Burning Down The House' by Talking Heads

GLORIA:
Hello.

FRANK HARDWICK:
Oh, hello.

GLORIA:
Can I have your autograph, please?

FRANK HARDWICK:
Yeah. Where's your book?

GLORIA:
Haven't got a book. Sign on there.

GLORIA indicates her ample bosom and hands him a lipstick.

FRANK HARDWICK:
You're kidding?

GLORIA:
No, go on.

FRANK HARDWICK:
Eh?

GLORIA:
Come here.

GLORIA leans forward and whispers in his ear. Meanwhile CHRIS has got into the front seat of the Quattro again. Might as well enjoy it when he can, I suppose. GLORIA leads FRANK HARDWICK into the club.

GENE:
Good girl. Right, we'll give her a couple of minutes and then we'll nail him for the posession and distribution of premium filth.

These best laid plans are endangered by the arrival of LITTON and Co.

GENE:
Oh, joy of joys.

They all pile out of the two cars.

GENE:
What kept you, Derek?

LITTON:
I call this hindering the course of an enquiry.

GENE:
D'you know, if this is about police widows, then I'm a monkey's uncle.

LITTON:
I am not going home without Hardwick.

GENE;
No can do, amigo. I am about to do him for peddling porn on my patch. D'you want to stay and watch?

CHRIS meanwhile, spots ALEX and SHAZ going into the club.

CHRIS:
Guv.

GENE:
Not now, Christopher. I'm gloating.

CHRIS:
No, Guv. It's Drake and Shaz.

GENE:
Oh, Drake, don't you bloody dare.

GENE angrily heads for the club, the others following.



Inside 'The Laughter Place', and a busy corridor lined with posters for comedy acts.

ALEX:
Has anybody seen Frank Hardwick?

A Ben Elton wannabe, RICK TRAVERS, accosts her.

RICK TRAVERS:
Who wants to know?

ALEX:
DI Drake, CID.

RICK TRAVERS:
Oh, you're not the average facist bully-boy. You must be police intelligence. Or is that a contradiction in terms?

ALEX:
Hey.

ALEX isn't in the mood and twists his arm behind his back and shoves him against the wall, holding him there.

RICK TRAVERS:
Umph.

ALEX:
D'you want to know what's really funny, do you? In twenty year's time, you're going to be fat, bald and writing soft rock musicals. Now where...

ALEX shoves a little harder to emphasise her point.

RICK TRAVERS:
Argh.

ALEX:
...is Frank Hardwick?

RICK TRAVERS:
Downstairs.

ALEX:
Thank you.

ALEX let's him go and starts down the stairs.

RICK TRAVERS:
He's in the basement, where he belongs.



ALEX and SHAZ enter the room to find FRANK HARDWICK in his underwear, hands tied above his head. GLORIA is reading a book.

FRANK HARDWICK:
Oh, you the main course? She's rubbish.

SHAZ unties him while ALEX hands him his coat.

ALEX:
No, we're police officers.

FRANK HARDWICK:
Oh. Oh, the handcuffs, is it? Oo, good.

ALEX:
Frank Hardwick, I'm arresting you on suspicion of theft from the Manchester Police Widow's Fund.

FRANK HARDWICK:
Wha?

ALEX:
And believe it or not, I'm doing you a favour.

ALEX cuffs him.

FRANK HARDWICK:
Hang on, girls. I haven't said the safety word yet.

In the distance is the sound of an irate DCI approaching.

GENE:
Bolly! You're interfering with my collar!



Outside 'The Laughter Place', the comedians get an unscheduled laugh at FRANK HARDWICK being escorted out in his coat and underwear. They cheer ironically.

RICK TRAVERS:
Oh, yes indeed. Yes indeed.

RICK TRAVERS goes along with them, while GENE catches up from behind.

GENE:
Bolly! Come back here! That is an order!

RICK TRAVERS:
Now here is a proper rozzer. Facist and sexist. Please don't hurt me officer, please!

RICK TRAVERS wish is not granted as GENE hits him. He sinks to the ground and is hauled out of the way by RAY.

RAY:
Get out of the way, you pinko poof.

RAY looks at his hands to see blood.

CHRIS:
He's been shot!

RICK TRAVERS gasps for breath. Another shot; evidently a silencer has been employed. There are screams and everyone runs for cover.

RAY:
Chris! Get them inside!

CHRIS:
Everybody in!

LITTON draws his gun and looks at the rooftops for the gunman.

GENE:
Get it blocked off, now!

RAY:
Guv!

ALEX:
Get down!

RAY goes to help RICK TRAVERS.

GENE:
Need to close this road off!

FRANK HARDWICK is still on his feet, trying to get away.

FRANK HARDWICK:
It were meant for me!

ALEX:
Just...

FRANK HARDWICK:
It were meant for me!

ALEX:
Stay down!

LITTON:
That's enough, Hunt. I'm taking Hardwick now!

GENE:
You listen to me, Litton! You just brought a shooter up to my patch! You get nothing!



CID

GENE:
Thanks to Litton and Large, we've now got an attempted murder on our hands. What have you got?

ALEX:
Nothing. No weapon, no prints. The bullet's gone off to ballistics.

GENE:
Witnesses?

SHAZ:
Nobody saw nothing. Our best bet's the poor kid who got shot, but the doctors say it's touch and go. He's in intensive care.

GENE:
Well, we better get laughing boy in for a chat then, hadn't we?

LITTON and BEVAN arrive.

LITTON:
I beg to differ, Geno.

GENE:
The shooting was on my manor, which means it's my case. Now piss off, Litton.

LITTON:
I just put in a request to have him transferred to my custody. Fax should be through in about an hour.

GENE:
Now Hardwick's your big ticket to somewhere, isn't he, Derek?

LITTON:
If I were talking to the old Gene Hunt, I might have a little quake in my boots right now. But I come down here, and you're surrounded by half-wits? And girl guides who don't take orders? Hardwick is mine.

LITTON and BEVAN leave.

ALEX:
We need to crack Hardwick.

GENE:
Sorry, who said anything about 'we'? You're not going anywhere near him.

GENE goes back into his office to wrap himself around another Scotch; ALEX sits down with a sigh.



CID, and RAY's trying to get to grips with the paperwork.

BEVAN:
Are you writing your report? How's about 'Fat bastard got shot at'?

BEVAN perches on RAY's desk and hands across a hip flask. RAY takes it but puts it down without drinking.

BEVAN:
You all right there, Ray?

RAY:
Yeah. Well, it's just... before the shots...

Flashback to the shooting.

RAY:
...when we were heading for Hardwick, you were right on my shoulder.

Gunshot and we're back in CID.

RAY:
But after...

BEVAN:
What?

RAY:
Nothing. Heh heh. Nothing. So, 'Fat bastard got shot at'.



GENE enters the interview room, to be met by FRANK HARDWICK, VIV and a tape recorder.

GENE:
Right, you sad little scrotum.

VIV sets the machine to record.

VIV:
DCI Hunt entering the room at 15:40.

GENE:
What is that doing in here?

VIV:
DCI Keats' idea. S'all by the book now, Guv. Sergeant James leaving the room.

VIV leaves.

FRANK HARDWICK:
Heh. By the book? Coppers reading? When will it all end? Heh.

GENE seizes him by the shoulder and pushes him into a chair.

GENE;
Sit down. A young man took a bullet for you, so start talking, because he's fighting for his life.

FRANK HARDWICK:
OK, OK. How d'you brainwash a policeman? Put him on a bidet. Heh. There. Told you all I know.

GENE:
15:41, DCI Hunt taking a sip of tea.

GENE opens up the tape recorder, pours his tea over the cassette and pushes the machine off the desk. FRANK HARDWICK looks much less confident.

GENE;
Now, where were we?



CID, and ALEX is about her business at her desk, unaware of JIM KEATS standing silently in front of it, watching her. She looks up when he picks up a book from her desk and starts to read.

JIM KEATS:
'The Pathology of Interrogation'

ALEX:
I'm just trying to get into Hardwick's head.

JIM KEATS:
'The forensics of a suspect's past is the key to unlocking his crimes.'

ALEX:
Something like that.

JIM KEATS chuckles, then closes the book.

JIM KEATS:
Look, um, I don't want to stick my size nines in here, but could I offer you some advice?

ALEX:
Feel free.

JIM KEATS:
If you and Hunt aren't working well together, then nor is Fenchurch East. Now, I've no idea what the problem is, but you and Gene are a partnership. And partners work off trust.

ALEX:
What do you mean?

JIM KEATS:
I won't stand by and have him drag this place down. D'you understand?

ALEX gives a barely perceptible nod, and JIM KEATS leaves. RAY, meanwhile, is Troubled.

RAY:
Chris. What would you do if somebody weren't telling you the whole truth?

CHRIS:
You been to that tranny bar again? I was only joking. How d'you mean?

RAY:
Well... uh.

RAY spots BEVAN coming into CID and stops. CHRIS is uncharacteristically quick off the mark and changes the subject.

CHRIS:
All right for tonight then?

RAY:
Yeah, about that body popping stuff. Not sure it's really my style.

CHRIS:
But we're an act. We've only got until Friday.

RAY glances at BEVAN.

RAY:
Actually I'm not sure I'm cut out for performing.

BEVAN:
Oh, that's bollocks. We'd sing 'Danny Boy' every night round The Railway Arms. You haven't forgotten? It's a good copper's song. # Oh, Danny Boy, the pipes, the pipes are calling... # Go on, Ray, sing it.

RAY and BEVAN in unison:
# From glen to glen, and down the mountainside. #

BEVAN:
Yeah, that's what you should be singing. Remind you where you're from. (looks at CHRIS) It's better than spazzing about like you're on day release.

RAY:
We'll see, eh? See how it goes.

CHRIS goes away, hurt.

BEVAN:
'Cos you are a good copper. Aren't you, Ray?

BEVAN departs, leaving RAY looking distinctly uncomfortable.



Station corridor.

ALEX:
Inspector Bevan!

BEVAN:
Bit busy right now, love.

ALEX:
I spoke to Chris. You were all C Division, Greater Manchester Police. Under DCI Hunt.

BEVAN:
My, my, aren't you persistent?

ALEX:
Working closely with CID. You knew him, didn't you?

BEVAN:
Where are we going here, DI Drake?

ALEX:
Sam Tyler.

BEVAN:
I can't really remember. Sorry. But I'll tell you something. The thing about Gene Hunt? It's not what he did, it's what he got other people to do.

ALEX:
And what did he get you to do?

BEVAN grins and walks away.



In CID, a yell draws ALEX's attention and through the interview room glass, she sees GENE manhandling FRANK HARDWICK, who's evidently in some distress. Throught the glass on the other side of CID, ALEX spots JIM KEATS walking down the corridor.

JIM KEATS:
I need those files on my desk, please.

ALEX moves quickly and interupts GENE in the interview room.

FRANK HARDWICK:
Argh!

ALEX:
Guv! About Keats. A word.

GENE:
(to FRANK HARDWICK) Sit down.

ALEX:
Are you trying to end your career?

GENE:
D'you think I'm scared of that chinless bastard?

ALEX:
This isn't working, is it?

They step outside the interview room.

ALEX:
Look, if he was going to spill something, he'd have done it by now. I've been working on Hardwick's psychological profile and I think I've come up with something.

GENE:
What he needs is a bollocking, not a therapy session.

ALEX:
I know how to get through to him. What have you got to lose? He's going to be Litton's in half an hour anyway.

GENE:
Fine, you better get cracking then.

ALEX smiles and goes into the interview room.



A fax machine the size of Wales churns out a message which LITTON tears off and reads with satisfaction.

LITTON:
Bingo.



Interview room.

ALEX:
Why did you stop telling jokes, Frank?

FRANK HARDWICK:
What d'you mean? I'm, I'm full of them.

ALEX:
No, I mean professionally. You had a promising career ahead of you. TV, regular gigs.

FRANK HARDWICK:
Yeah, well. Lifestyle didn't agree.

ALEX:
December '73. You were booked to headline the Blackpool Grand for a whole season. You didn't show up.

FRANK HARDWICK:
I told you, I got bored.

ALEX:
December '73 is also when you were prescribed the beta blockers.

FRANK HARDWICK splutters a bit and laughs it off.

FRANK HARDWICK:
Dunno where you got that, love.

ALEX:
For the insommnia? Or was it the stage fright? You see, you're frightened now, aren't you, Frank? It's that someone's just tried to kill you and you don't want to talk. Who are you so afraid of?

FRANK HARDWICK:
No-one can touch 'em. And they can get anybody they want.

ALEX:
Who? Who can get who they want?

FRANK HARDWICK:
I'm not saying.

ALEX:
Frank, you are in a police station. You are completely safe.

FRANK HARDWICK laughs scornfully and looks intently at ALEX. Finally the penny drops. You'd think series two had never happened...

ALEX:
It's Litton. Isn't it?

FRANK HARDWICK:
I'm not talking in here. I am not safe.

ALEX:
Frank, I'm not like the others. I only want the truth.

FRANK HARDWICK:
Yeah.



Gene's office.

GENE:
You want to do what?!

ALEX:
I want to let Hardwick go.

GENE:
D'you know, I was right. I really do think you've lost it.

ALEX:
He's not talking because he is afraid of Litton and he's afraid of the police.

GENE:
Oh, terrific! So we just let him walk out of here.

ALEX:
No, according to him he wouldn't last five minutes. I say we treat him as a protected witness, we let him leave quietly, and then we meet up with him again tonight.

GENE:
Right. By which time he'll be halfway to Benidorm. No way, Bolly.

ALEX:
He's not going to run.

GENE:
No!

ALEX:
He's got nowhere to run to.

GENE:
I said no!

ALEX:
Please?

RAY enters.

RAY:
Guv? Need to talk.

GENE:
I thought you'd gone over to the Dark Side?

RAY:
I saw something at the shooting. Didn't add up, but it does now.

ALEX:
What? What did you see?

RAY:
We were running towards Hardwick together. Then the shots were fired. Then I looked up and he was nowhere to be seen.

ALEX:
Who?

RAY:
Then he sort of tried to lean on me while I was writing my report. I know this might sound daft, but...

GENE:
Well, come on, spit it out, Ray.

RAY:
I think Geoff Bevan tried to shoot Frank Hardwick.

A triumphant LITTON and BEVAN burst into CID, armed with the fax. ALEX, RAY and GENE pile out of Gene's office.

LITTON:
Hardwick's mine. Go fetch. I'm transferring him back to Manchester.

GENE:
D'you know, I'd love to oblige, Litton. But DI Drake released him half an hour ago.

LITTON and BEVAN look at ALEX in angry disbelief.

LITTON:
You did what?

ALEX:
We'd held him too long without charge. There was nothing to book him with, so...

LITTON:
Couldn't you have made something up, you stupid bloody woman?

ALEX:
No, I couldn't. Because that would have been breaking the law, Chief Inspector.

LITTON:
I am going nowhere without Hardwick. Comprende?!



The Quattro, in the dark, waiting for FRANK HARDWICK.

GENE:
Well, it looks like you've been stood up, Bolls. It's probably not for the first time.

GENE earns himself A Look for that one. In the distance a shadowy figure appears.

ALEX:
There he is.

ALEX gets out to meet FRANK HARDWICK and escort him back to the Quattro.

ALEX:
Frank? It's all right, Frank. I'm keeping my word.

There's a squeal of tyres and a Transit van heads towards them at speed. ALEX hurries FRANK HARDWICK into a run.

ALEX:
Come on!

GENE blasts off his cannon seven times - no mean feat for a six-shooter - and they manage to dive into a doorway and safety.



Luigi's, and once again the poor man is kept from his bed and having to serve them in his pyjamas.

ALEX:
Sorry we got you up.

LUIGI:
I am embarrassed for you to see me like this.

ALEX:
Oh, nonsense. You look fine, Luigi.

FRANK HARDWICK:
Reminds me of the Italian doctor. Thought an innuendo was a suppository. Heh.

Unexpectedly, LUIGI is virtually doubled-up with laughter at this. Well after Chris' Italian jokes, he's probably not a very demanding audience.

LUIGI:
Innuendo! That's great. You're a very funny guy. Hah.

LUIGI goes away, laughing.

FRANK HARDWICK:
Is the Eyetie taking the piss?

GENE:
Right, cough up. What's the deal between you and DCI Litton?

FRANK HARDWICK:
Well, there's, there's been these beatings, y'know. Drug dealers and pimps getting roughed up.

GENE:
So?

FRANK HARDWICK:
They were all Litton's patch. Rumours are it's a bunch of coppers. Extorting protection money.

ALEX:
Go on.

FRANK HARDWICK:
Last week I was out back of a pub and there was a big bloke, beating up a black guy. Kicking him, till he stopped moving. And a police radio went off in his pocket. He saw me. I knew they'd have to shut me up, so I came down south.

ALEX:
Who was it?

FRANK HARDWICK:
He was in your station this afternoon. Litton's man.

GENE:
Bevan.



CID. LITTON comes in to find it in darkness, deserted, the phone ringing unanswered. The lights go on and TERRY walks through, ignoring him.

LITTON:
Good morning.



Evidence room, and an impromptu team meeting away from prying ears.

CHRIS:
Can't believe it, Guv. Lads from our old firm up to something like that?

SHAZ:
I knew they were creeps the minute they showed. Unlike some people.

RAY:
Give over, will you?

CHRIS:
So what do we do next? Expose Litton?

GENE:
No, not yet. I want us to lance the whole boil, not just Litton.

ALEX:
If we let them take Hardwick back to Manchester...

GENE:
Hardwick would never make it to trial. For now we keep this to ourselves. He'll be fine in Luigi's.

LITTON peers in through the frosted glass of the evidence room window and comes in.

LITTON:
So this is where you're planning today's cock-ups, is it?

GENE:
Morning, Diego. Good night last night?

LITTON:
No! It appears Frank Hardwick's vanished into thin air.

GENE:
Well, that's a shame.

LITTON:
Remember who we're dealing with here. This man stole from our own widows. I want this bastard.

GENE:
Well, we all want the bastards, Litton.



Gene's office. BEVAN comes in, shuts the door and pulls the blind.

GENE:
What's this? A private striptease?

BEVAN:
You must've crapped yourself when I walked back into your life.

GENE:
On the contrary, it's always nice to see an old face.

BEVAN:
Ah. Weren't so cocky three years ago. Day Sam Tyler disappeared.

The closed blind is too much for ALEX's nosiness and she moves from her desk to the door of GENE's office.

GENE:
You know there's a line. You don't cross it.

BEVAN:
And where was that line with Sam Tyler? If you lot are up to summat naughty, I'd think twice.

BEVAN goes to the door.

BEVAN:
Cop solidarity. We'd be nothing without that. Would we, Geno?

BEVAN raises the blind to reveal ALEX standing there. He leaves and she puts her head round the door.

ALEX:
Is everything all right?

GENE:
Everything's fine, Bolls.

ALEX shuts the door and leaves CID, GENE watching her go. The phone rings and SHAZ answers. GENE goes into CID and to ALEX's desk, trying the locked drawer containing Sam Tyler's jacket.

SHAZ into the phone:
CID.

SHAZ:
Guv? The hospital. It's about that young comedian who got shot.



Hospital corridor. RICK TRAVERS is lying on a trolley, rather dead.

ALEX:
So now we're looking at murder.

GENE:
Or we could be looking at an opportunity.

RAY:
Guv?

GENE:
What if he's not dead?

CHRIS:
I think you'll find he is.

MUSIC: 'The Sun Goes Down (Living It Up)' by Level 42



CID.

LITTON:
Where's Hunt? I've got a warrant to raid the brothels.

SHAZ dials a number on her phone. At her desk, surprisingly, ALEX's phone rings at just that very moment, and she picks up.

ALEX into the phone:
DI Drake. Ah, Doctor Hawkins, hello. He has? And you're sure that's what he said? Oh, that's great news. Thank you, doctor.

ALEX hangs up.

ALEX:
Chris! Book the ID artist for first thing tomorrow morning. He's going to the Royal Infirmary.

CHRIS:
Ma'am.

ALEX:
Ray? Get all the mug shots together on the Travers case.

LITTON:
Er, what's this about?

ALEX:
We've got our breakthrough.

GENE comes in.

# The sun goes down #

GENE:
You look all excited, Drakey.

ALEX:
The shooting victim, Travers. He's regained consciousness. Full recall and the best thing is, he got a clear view of the gunman.

LITTON:
Well, what are we waiting for?

ALEX:
Doctor says he has to rest up until tomorrow morning.

GENE:
You know, I can already feel our gunman's conkers nestling in the palm of my hand.

LITTON:
Good. 'Cos when I find Hardwick AGAIN, we might actually have this case closed.

GENE:
Yeah, we keep this under wraps. Don't want any wrong'uns getting wind of it, do we?

LITTON:
No, we don't.

LITTON leaves. GENE goes over to ALEX's desk; he's evidently a bit pleased with their little deception.

GENE:
Look at us two. Like 'Sapphire and Steel'. I'm him, and you... are her.

# Living it up
# Living it up #

GENE:
Teamwork. Cop solidarity.

# Living it up
# Is it a false emotion? #



ALEX walks past the front desk, only to be halted by VIV.

# Living it up #

VIV:
Oh, ma'am? This just got faxed through from Manchester. Personnel records. And this came as well.

VIV hands over a file.

VIV:
You all right, ma'am?

ALEX:
Er, yeah. Thanks, Viv.



GENE approaches ALEX's desk drawer with his 'search warrant' and crowbars it open. He checks through the contents of the evidence bag and takes it away.



On her way to CID, ALEX is approached by BEVAN.

ALEX:
You said you'd never shared a crime scene with Gene Hunt.

ALEX holds up the file photograph of the car upside down in the river.

ALEX:
That look familiar? The car that Tyler supposedly died in.

BEVAN:
Someone's been a busy bee.

ALEX:
The month Sam Tyler disappeared, you were seconded to CID. Police photographer. You took that photograph.

BEVAN:
Why does Gene Hunt get you so excited?

ALEX:
Did you see anything else that day?

BEVAN:
He'll never tell you what happened. The closer you get to him, the less you know. I'd be careful. Working in a cop station late at night. Pretty woman like yourself. Things can happen.

ALEX:
Are you threatening me?

BEVAN:
Give up Frank Hardwick and I'll give you the story on Sam and Gene.



Back of the police station, and GENE is having a little bonfire in a dustbin. First to go in is the Sam Tyler file. ALEX comes out of the station and finds him, just as he consigns the famous jacket to the flames.

ALEX:
What the hell are you doing?

GENE:
Just leave it, Bolly.

ALEX:
But it's evidence, Guv. You can't do that.

GENE:
Forget it. It's a dead man's jacket.

ALEX:
What are you hiding? Please tell me. Sam Tyler, what was he... Was he like me? Was he trying to get back somewhere? Guv, what is going on in there that you can't tell me.

GENE:
Whatever you think it is you're looking for, forget it. Doesn't exist. Sometimes you just have to take a leap of faith. Now, if you don't mind, we have a job to do.

GENE walks away. ALEX follows, but pauses as JIM KEATS appears, staring.



RAY and CHRIS get out of their car in a street somewhere.

CHRIS:
Sure you're up for this?

RAY:
Of course I am. Why wouldn't I be?

CHRIS:
Just asking.

RAY:
You watch my back, I'll make sure he's inside. Then you two go to the hospital, all right?

RAY makes his way circumspectly down an average street of shops in an average part of town until he can peer into a café. It's deserted apart from BEVAN, eating his tea. RAY makes his way back towards CHRIS.

RAY:
Right, I'll stay here until Litton shows. I'll radio you at the hospital.

RAY turns back towards the café, and stops, awestruck. The street stops abruptly and there's nothing but stars. He turns back to call CHRIS.

RAY:
Chris. Can you see...

RAY turns back towards the stars, but the street is perfectly normal again.

CHRIS:
Come on, you've got to get out of sight.

RAY:
I just saw stars. Like at the edge of the world. Did you see 'em?

CHRIS:
Stars? With this pollution?

RAY:
Everywhere. Like we were bloody astronauts.

CHRIS:
Right. Call mission control and then head for the hospital. If this is going to work, we need to know they're coming.



A hospital and a DOCTOR leads GENE and ALEX to the 'patient'.

DOCTOR:
This way. The patients have been moved to another ward. You are certain you can assure the safety of my staff?

GENE:
As long as they stay off this floor and keep out of my way. Absolutely.

A nurse finishes setting up the 'patient', a heart monitor audibly bleeping.

GENE:
We'll take over from here, ta.

The nurse leaves and CHRIS and SHAZ come in for a quick briefing.

GENE:
Right, this is the plan. Chris, you're going to be acting as police guard.You stick a chair outside the door, then you're going to go off for a sneaky wee wee. This is the only entrance to this ward. Now Litton and Bevan are going to spot that you've gone walkabout. So meanwhile, we'll be in here ready to surprise them. Is that clear?

GENE checks his gun.



Back in the café, BEVAN's still tucking in. RAY stands outside, not terribly well concealed, occasionally peering in.

RAY into the radio:
Still no sign of Litton. Over.

GENE over the radio:
Hold your positions. Over.

RAY peers in again, and doesn't see LITTON arriving.

LITTON:
All right, Raymondo?

RAY:
Yeah.

LITTON:
Not like you to be stood outside when there's drinking to be done.

RAY:
Yeah, I know. D'you fancy a pint?

LITTON:
Why not? You got a light? Ta. Where will it all end, eh, Raymondo?

RAY:
How d'you mean?

LITTON:
We did the job, didn't we? We nailed a whole lot of scumbags and now they want social workers in uniform. Where will old warriors like us fit in, eh?

RAY:
Heh.

LITTON:
And it is worse down here. Gene gone soft, you got Keats, you got that daft bird Drake at you non-stop. Now that must be hard. On second thoughts, I best push off.

LITTON slips RAY's lighter back in his jacket pocket.

LITTON:
But listen, you keep the faith, eh, kiddo?

RAY:
Yeah.

LITTON:
Good luck.

LITTON returns to his car - with RAY's radio. D'oh.



In the hospital in their respective positions, CHRIS and SHAZ wait. In the ward, GENE is getting impatient.

GENE into the radio:
This is Doctor Hunt to Nurse Carling, do you read? Over.

No response.

GENE into the radio:
Ray, if you've bloody dozed off...

ALEX:
Should we be worried about this?

GENE:
Only if your name's Ray.



Back outside the café, RAY goes to his pocket for his radio to give an update.

RAY:
Bugger it. He's nabbed my radio. The bastard!



In the hospital.

CHRIS into the radio:
D'you want us to send someone to cover Hardwick in case we're blown?

GENE into the radio:
No. Hardwick's safe at Luigi's. We stay as we are.

SHAZ into the radio:
If Litton's onto us, should we call back up, Guv?

GENE over the radio:
I have just told you. You stay put. Over.

GENE:
Of all the forces in all the world, they end up in mine.

There's the noise of a door slamming open in the distance. Someone's coming.

CHRIS into the radio:
Guv.

RAY, CHRIS and SHAZ burst into the ward.

RAY:
Litton. He's nicked my radio.

GENE:
You bloody what?!

RAY:
Just now. He'll have been listening to everything.

SHAZ:
He'll know it's a trap.

GENE:
Oh, no shit, Sherlock. Was Bevan with him?

RAY:
No. He was still in the caff.

ALEX:
Hang on a minute. We talked about Luigi's.

They realise the implications of that, and run for the door.



Luigi's. LITTON is all over FRANK HARDWICK, while LUIGI is on the phone, presumably calling for help.

FRANK HARDWICK:
I'm telling you the truth!

LITTON:
If you don't tell me the truth one more time, I'll rip your bloody head off.

GENE and Co burst in.

GENE:
Litton!

LITTON:
Have you been listening to this lying bastard!

GENE:
There's only one bastard in this room, Derek.

ALEX:
David Townsend. The young black kid. 16 years old. The coroner's report said they used steel toe-caps. He was dead after the fifth kick to the head.

GENE:
Then he kept on kicking him. He saw it all.

FRANK HARDWICK:
Yeah.

LITTON:
No, you're wrong.

GENE:
The kid wouldn't pay up so you got your chum to sort it.

LITTON:
No, I never.

GENE:
D'you know, it's an interesting way of keeping your crime figures down. What were you thinking? Trying to impress the promotions board? Trouble is, it's cold blooded murder!

LITTON sinks to a chair, stunned.

LITTON:
Bevan's crossed the line.

ALEX:
You didn't know, did you?

GENE:
Oh, like hell he didn't.

LITTON:
You show me a DCI who don't want his crime figures falling. I thought they were just roughing up the slimeballs, keeping them in line. But not for money. And never for murder.

ALEX:
Does Bevan know about the trap at the hospital? You were about to meet him, weren't you?

LITTON:
No. I heard it on the radio. Had to find out for meself.

RAY:
So he doesn't know that we're on to him?

LITTON:
No. Betrayed us both. I'm sorry, Ray.

ALEX:
Help us. You could still help us.

MUSIC: 'To Cut A Long Story Short' by Spandau Ballet



Corridor outside CID; GENE and ALEX escort LITTON to the door..

ALEX:
Are you ready?

GENE:
Course he's ready. He's about to save his own skin.

LITTON:
Look, we don't have to be pals.

GENE:
We're not. You just stick to the script, Derek.



Gene's office, and LITTON is breaking the bad news to an angry BEVAN.

BEVAN:
What d'you mean, protective witness? What d'you mean, protective witness?

LITTON:
Those are the judges orders. Gene got Hardwick full immunity in return for future intelligence. Letting him go was a trick. They shafted us.

BEVAN:
Gene wants a grass so they're going to get Hardwick off scot free? The lying bastards.

It seems the phone is off the hook in Gene's office. On the other end of the line in the evidence room, GENE and ALEX listen in.

LITTON over the phone:
Yeah. Lying bastard. But I want some payback before we go. They've got a poxy gala tonight.

LITTON:
Apparently, Hardwick's going to put in a surprise appearance.

BEVAN:
Cheeky gits. Playing a police ball. Hardwick's taking a big risk.

LITTON:
Exactly. But I think we should go...

LITTON over the phone:
...and remind Hardwick what'll ever happen if he shows his face in Manchester again.

LITTON:
Are you in?

BEVAN:
I've had enough of these Southern shitehawks.



The entrance to the police gala, and off-duty coppers are flooding in. A laughing policeman does his creepy thing in a machine by the door. Backstage in his dressing room, GENE, ALEX and LITTON are supporting FRANK HARDWICK in their own personal styles. He's taking comfort from a bottle.

MUSIC: 'Karma Chameleon' by Boy George

ALEX:
Are you're sure you're all right with this, Frank?

GENE:
Of course he's sure. Come on, get a move on, Tarby. Your public awaits.

ALEX:
How's the stage fright?

FRANK HARDWICK:
I've consulted Dr Jack Daniels. See? Steady as a rock. Anyhow, I need to nail these bastards even more than you do. Well, let's get on with it.

LITTON steps forward with a bulletproof vest.

LITTON:
Right, come on.

FRANK HARDWICK:
What's this?

LITTON:
Just a precaution.

GENE:
You might find you've got a few critics out there, Frankie.

LITTON:
Come on, in you go, fat boy. It's a bulletproof vest.



At the side of the stage, SHAZ peers through the curtain to look at The Wizard the audience.

STAGE MANAGER:
That's the final call, ladies and gents.

CHRIS:
Any sign of Bevan?

SHAZ:
No.

CHRIS:
He's got to show up some time.

RAY:
I don't see why I still have to bloody go through with this.

SHAZ:
Because if anything's different, your old mate might smell a rat.

CHRIS:
Oh, leave it out, Shaz. He was hallucinating earlier. Thought he was Captain Kirk.

RAY:
No, I wasn't.

CHRIS:
Said you were in outer space. All stars and everything.

SHAZ:
What, you saw stars? Really?

RAY:
Course I didn't. He's talking cobblers.

RAY goes back to struggling to fix his bowtie, embarrassed.

SHAZ:
D'you need help with that? You can talk to me about it.

RAY:
Oh, give it a rest Shaz, will ya?

SHAZ:
Suit yourself.

CHRIS:
Oh, Shaz. I am cacking it.

SHAZ gives him a peck on the cheek.

SHAZ:
You'll be fine. Now go and break a leg.

CHRIS:
Well, that's not very supportive.

CHRIS goes on stage and strikes a pose, ready to body pop. SHAZ gives him a thumbs-up.

ANNOUNCER:
Your very own Mr Chris Skelton!

MUSIC: 'Rockit' by Herbie Hancock

The curtain opens to cheers and, um, some laughter as CHRIS goes through his routine. GENE, meanwhile, makes his way over to ALEX at the back of the room.

AUDIENCE:
Go on, Chris!

GENE:
Oh, sweet Jesus, I thought I'd seen everything.



Backstage in the dressing room again.

ALEX:
Don't worry, Frank, we won't let Bevan near you.

FRANK HARDWICK:
Come on, Frankie Boy, show time.



CHRIS finishes his routine to wild applause and cheers. FRANK HARDWICK goes on stage as he comes off. It all goes a bit slo-mo for a moment. RAY looks sick with nerves.

FRANK HARDWICK:
Right, then. My name is Frank Hardwick, and since this is a police gala, you lot probably know me through my mug shots. D'you know how to keep a poof in suspense? I'll tell you tomorrow! Here we go, The Blues Brothers!

MUSIC: 'The Blues Brothers Opening; I Can't Turn You Loose' by The Blues Brothers

Cheers and applause. FRANK HARDWICK leaves the stage and a fairly awful Blues Brothers act comes on. ALEX looks after FRANK HARDWICK in the wings.



LITTON shimmers up to GENE at the back of the room.

LITTON:
No sign of Bevan? You'd never admit it, but you have changed, you know. First Tyler, now DI Drake, eh? They've rubbed off on you. I never let anyone challenge me, did I?

GENE:
Are you nervous, Litton?

The Blues Brothers finish to applause and cheers from the audience - who must be very, very drunk. FRANK HARDWICK comes back on stage.

FRANK HARDWICK:
There you go, there we are! A quick hand for The Blues Brothers! And now, ladies and gentlemen, who've we got next? Rendering limb from limb, that old police favourite, 'Danny Boy', Mr Ray Carling!

RAY goes on stage like it's the guillotine. There's much cheering and applause.

AUDIENCE:
Come on! Come on. Come on, son. Come on, let's have it.

An electric organ starts up and RAY addresses the microphone. And dries up.

RAY:
# Oh, Dan... # Pipes... #

AUDIENCE:
Come on, Ray! Come on, you can do it! Come on, Ray!

RAY:
# From... #

RAY turns in anguish to the wings.

RAY:
I've forgot the bloody words.

SHAZ immediately steps forward, and joins him on stage, singing.

SHAZ:
# Oh, Danny Boy, the pipes, the pipes are calling. #

AUDIENCE:
Shaz! Go on, Shaz!

RAY and SHAZ:
# From glen to glen and down the mountainside #

The audience starts to applaud.

RAY and SHAZ:
# Gone and all the trees are dying
# Tis you, tis you must go and I must bide
# But call me back when's summers in the meadow... #



FRANK HARDWICK comes off stage, past CHRIS, revelling in the 'show must go on' moment.

FRANK HARDWICK:
Yes! Ha-ha!

GENE arrives backstage.

GENE:
Oi, Olivia Newton Skelton, go and keep an eye out round by the stage door.

CHRIS:
Yes, Guv.

CHRIS departs and ALEX arrives from the wings.

ALEX:
I've decided to trust you.

GENE:
Good, then we can get on with the task in hand.

ALEX:
But there is one thing I want.

GENE:
Thought that was too easy.



Back on stage, and something of a hairs-on-the-back-of-the-neck moment.

RAY and SHAZ:
# But when ye come and all the flowers are dying
# If I am dead
# As dead I well may be
# You'll come and find the place where I am lying
# And kneel and say an Ave there for me... #



Stage door, and CHRIS congratulates the taller Blues Brother as he goes past into the building.

CHRIS:
Nice one, mate.

There's a muffled thump from the large bin beside the stage door. CHRIS investigates, only to find the genuine taller Blues Brother in there, minus his costume.

CHRIS:
The Blues Brothers. Oh, no!



Backstage.

ALEX:
Look me in the eye and say it. Say you had nothing to do with Sam Tyler's death.

GENE:
I haven't got time for this, Bolly.

ALEX:
Please. Just tell me.

CHRIS arrives.

CHRIS:
Guv, Bevan's here.



On stage.

RAY and SHAZ:
# Oh, Danny boy, oh, Danny boy, I love you so! #

Cheers, whistles, applause and a standing ovation.



Dressing room. FRANK HARDWICK is at his dressing table.

BEVAN:
I just want your autograph, Frank.

FRANK HARDWICK:
Oh, eh...



GENE and ALEX are running to FRANK HARDWICK's rescue, passing LITTON on the way.

GENE:
Bevan.

LITTON runs with them.



In the dressing room, BEVAN removes his sunglasses and draws a gun with silencer fitted.

BEVAN:
Second thoughts, don't bother. Have a laugh at this.

ALEX:
Frank!

FRANK HARDWICK:
Jesus!

GENE, ALEX and LITTON arrive; BEVAN grabs FRANK HARDWICK and holds the gun to his head.

BEVAN:
Drop your weapons. You first, 'boss'.

LITTON:
You are not walking out of here, not after what you've done.

ALEX:
Just do as he says.

LITTON:
We can sort this.

BEVAN:
Too late, mate.

ALEX:
Please, put the guns down.

Surprisingly, GENE does. LITTON holsters his.

GENE:
You murdering bastard.

BEVAN:
And when did you grow wings and a halo? Shall we tell her, Gene? Tell her why you got me to falsify evidence at a crime scene? What were you covering up about your mate, Sam Tyler? Go on. Tell her what you did to him. And you call me a murdering bastard? Nah. The only difference between us is that you got away with it.

GENE picks up his gun again and aims.

BEVAN:
You wouldn't dare.

GENE:
Try me.

BEVAN pushes FRANK HARDWICK towards them, blocking GENE's shot, then shoots FRANK HARDWICK and makes his escape. GENE follows while LITTON and ALEX look after FRANK HARDWICK.

FRANK HARDWICK:
Agh!

LITTON:
You've got the vest, you're all right. All right.



Stage door, and RAY sees BEVAN running out and follows him, aiming his gun.

RAY:
Freeze, Bevan! Drop the gun!

BEVAN:
You're not going to shoot me. Are you, Ray? Come on, pal.

RAY hesitates. CHRIS emerges from the shadows and also aims his gun.

MUSIC: 'Mama' by Genesis

CHRIS:
He said drop it!

BEVAN slowly lowers the gun to the ground.

RAY:
Now kick it over.

Abruptly BEVAN goes for something in his pocket. A shot rings out, hitting BEVAN in the shoulder and he falls to the ground. It's GENE.

BEVAN:
Aargh!

# Ha ha ha, ha ha ha, oh
# Ha ha ha... #

GENE walks over to BEVAN and crouches down to talk to him.

GENE:
You want to know the truth, Bevan?

# Ha ha ha, ha ha ha, oh #

ALEX appears outside the stage door. BEVAN suddenly shrinks back from GENE in fear, whimpering. GENE walks away from him. ALEX runs forward, but BEVAN is terrified.

ALEX:
What is it? What did he say to you?

BEVAN:
Get away! Get away from me!

# Can't you see me... #

BEVAN still whimpers and sobs. ALEX runs back towards GENE, who pauses at the stage door.

ALEX:
What did you say to him? What did you say?

GENE:
I told him the truth. That City are going to cane United next season.

GENE walks away.



CID and both CHRIS and VIV are doing some body popping. Surprisingly their colleagues don't run away screaming but do chuckle a little.

MUSIC: 'IOU' by Freez

SHAZ:
I broke up the double act for a while, didn't I, going out with Chris? Were you lonely?

RAY:
Me? No. Well, maybe a little bit.

LITTON peers into CID and slopes in, all swagger gone.

SHAZ:
We should've done more to include you.

RAY:
What, like a gooseberry?

SHAZ:
No. Like his best mate, who was a long way from home. Go on, then.

SHAZ shoves RAY to go and join CHRIS in making a twonk of himself, which RAY does.

RAY:
Hey, come on.

They laugh as they attempt an arm wave. LITTON awkwardly comes forward to make his goodbyes. GENE comes out of his office.

LITTON:
Right, well... I will say goodbye.

GENE:
Oh, no, you don't. Not yet.

GENE hands LITTON a Scotch.

GENE:
Not many of us left, Litton. The good old days.

They chink glasses and down their drinks.

GENE:
Right, now, bugger off back to Manchester.

Before that can happen, JIM KEATS arrives with two uniformed officers.

JIM KEATS:
DCI Litton. You are suspended from duty, effective immediately. I need your firearm and warrant card.

GENE:
Er, 'scuse me? What the bloody hell's this?

JIM KEATS:
You'll be escorted back to Manchester, where you'll be facing a disciplinary tribunal and possibly criminal charges.

LITTON:
On what charge?

JIM KEATS:
Failing to prevent criminal acts perpetrated by your own officer.

GENE:
He's got 25 years service. He's innocent. I mean he's a prat, but he's an innocent prat!

JIM KEATS:
You better hope that the tribunal agrees. Personally, I wouldn't be so confident.

LITTON:
I'll be all right, kid.

ALEX:
If there's a tribunal, who requested it?

JIM KEATS:
I did. That's the procedure. Or did we all forget that? Get him out of here.

The uniformed officers go to take LITTON's arms, but he shrugs them off and they escort him out. GENE looks at JIM KEATS like he's something he's just scraped off his shoe and returns to his office, slamming the door.

MUSIC: 'Only You' by Yazoo

JIM KEATS turns to go, but hesitates in the doorway, looking at ALEX.

# Looking from a window above it's like a story of love
# Can you hear me? #

ALEX walks over to JIM KEATS.

# Came back only yesterday
# I'm moving further... #

JIM KEATS:
Do we need to talk?

ALEX hesitates, looks back at GENE.

# Want you near me
# All I needed was the love you gave... #

JIM KEATS:
Alex?

# All I needed for another day #

GENE stares from his office.

# And all I ever knew
# Only you #

ALEX makes up her mind and JIM KEATS opens the door for her and they leave, GENE watching.

# Sometimes when I think of your name
# When it's only a game #


End credits.


# And I need you
# Listen to the words that you say
# It's getting harder to stay
# When I see you
# All I needed was the love you gave
# All I needed for another day
# And all I ever knew
# Only you #